Showing up when you were never shown how

By JB Simon

Some parents are not lazy.

Some parents are not careless.

Some parents are not cold, selfish, or uninterested.

Some parents are barely functioning while wearing a very convincing mask.

A mask of productivity.

A mask of calm.

A mask of generosity.

A mask of “I’m fine.”

A mask of “I’ve got it.”

A mask of “Nothing bothers me.”

But underneath that mask may be depression, exhaustion, low self-worth, old trauma, poor emotional regulation, anger, sadness, grief, resentment, or a deep sense of not knowing how to do this parenting thing in a healthy way.

This article is for the parent who did not have a good model of parenting.

This is for the adult child of emotionally immature parents.

This is for the parent who grew up around substance use, alcoholism, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, criticism, chaos, silence, or inconsistency.

This is for the parent who wants to raise children differently but still feels the weight of the past showing up in the present.

Because let us be honest.

Parenting will expose what we have hidden.

When You Were Never Shown How

Some people grew up in homes where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, or treated like a burden.

Some grew up with parents who were emotionally unpredictable.

Some grew up with parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable.

Some grew up in homes where addiction or alcoholism made everything unstable.

Some grew up learning to stay quiet, stay small, stay useful, stay out of the way, or stay responsible for everybody else’s emotions.

Then adulthood comes.

Then parenting comes.

And suddenly you are expected to give children things you may have never received consistently:

Praise.

Patience.

Affection.

Clear instructions.

Healthy correction.

Emotional safety.

Calm leadership.

A listening ear.

Repair after conflict.

That is not simple.

It is possible, but it is not simple.

Dobrić and Patrić (2024) describe emotionally immature parents as often self-focused, emotionally unavailable, limited in empathy, uncomfortable with genuine emotion, and unable to respond appropriately to their children’s emotional needs. They also describe four general types: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting parents.

The names may vary, but the experience is familiar to many people.

One parent explodes.

One parent controls.

One parent disappears.

One parent rejects.

And the child learns to survive.

But survival skills are not always parenting skills.

What the Past Can Leave Behind

Unhealed emotional damage does not always show up as obvious dysfunction.

Sometimes it looks like overworking.

Sometimes it looks like being “the strong one.”

Sometimes it looks like never asking for help.

Sometimes it looks like sarcasm.

Sometimes it looks like impatience.

Sometimes it looks like being generous to everyone while being emotionally unavailable at home.

Sometimes it looks like controlling everything because unpredictability feels unsafe.

Sometimes it looks like shutting down because emotions feel too big.

For parents, this can show up as:

• trouble connecting with children
• difficulty giving praise
• discomfort with affection
• low empathy during conflict
• anger problems
• sadness or emotional numbness
• harsh self-talk
• yelling when overwhelmed
• avoiding discipline because conflict feels unsafe
• being too strict because mistakes feel threatening
• difficulty saying “I was wrong”
• not knowing how to talk about feelings
• expecting children to manage adult emotions

And here is the hard truth:

Your children cannot heal you.

They cannot make the past make sense.

They cannot make your parents apologize.

They cannot fix your loneliness.

They cannot replace what you did not receive.

They are children.

They need you to be the adult.

That does not mean you have to be perfect. It means you have to become aware.

Stress Brings the Hidden Things to the Surface

Many people function well until stress hits.

Then the old symptoms start bubbling up.

The child talks back, and suddenly you feel disrespected in a way that feels bigger than the moment.

The child cries, and you feel irritated because crying was not allowed when you were young.

The child makes a mistake, and you hear your parent’s voice coming out of your own mouth.

The child needs comfort, and you freeze because comfort was never modeled for you.

The child refuses to listen, and your body responds like you are losing control.

This is where parenting becomes more than behavior management.

It becomes self-awareness.

It becomes emotional maintenance.

It becomes cycle-breaking.

Research on children of depressed parents shows that parental depression is associated with increased risk for depression in children. Loechner and colleagues (2020) discuss several possible pathways, including emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting, and stressful life events. In their study, children of depressed parents showed more depression and general mental health symptoms, fewer adaptive emotion regulation strategies, fewer positive parenting experiences, and fewer positive life events.

That does not mean a struggling parent is doomed to harm their child.

It means the work matters.

It means our emotional health matters.

It means our daily patterns matter.

It means how we respond, repair, and seek support matters.

The Coffee Pot Reset

Let us talk coffee.

Nobody wants old coffee.

You cannot pour fresh water over the same old grounds and expect a good cup.

You might get something in the mug, but it will not have the same flavor, strength, or quality.

And if you leave old grounds sitting too long?

Yuck.

Same with emotions.

You cannot keep pouring today’s responsibilities over yesterday’s bitterness, last week’s shame, childhood wounds, unspoken resentment, and old anger and expect to serve your family something fresh.

At some point, you have to clean the pot.

You need fresh water.

You need new grounds.

You need to reset.

Now, maybe I am going too far into the coffee ministry, but stay with me.

Parents need a daily emotional reset.

Not because you are weak.

Because you are human.

Yesterday’s stress cannot be the foundation for today’s parenting.

Yesterday’s shame cannot lead today’s correction.

Yesterday’s rage cannot write today’s rules.

Yesterday’s pain cannot be allowed to raise today’s child.

So ask yourself:

Am I brewing something fresh today?

Or am I reheating old emotional sludge and calling it parenting?

Let’s Face It: You May Have More Work to Do

This is not an insult.

It is an honest acknowledgment.

Some parents have more work to do because they were handed more to overcome.

I grew up with both of my parents. I saw a stable relationship. I did not grow up witnessing domestic violence. I saw examples of affection and commitment.

And still, I have struggled with assertiveness, communication, decision-making, and choosing healthy relationships.

So I cannot imagine the work required for someone who had to dig themselves out of chaos, addiction, emotional neglect, abuse, or a false picture of what “healthy” even means.

Some people are learning the skill while trying to teach the skill.

Learning patience while trying to model patience.

Learning emotional expression while trying to help a child name feelings.

Learning healthy discipline while trying not to repeat harshness.

Learning boundaries while family members accuse them of acting different.

That is a lot.

But new does not always feel welcome.

Even new and better can feel threatening to people who are used to dysfunction.

When you start changing, some people may say:

“You think you’re better now?”

“All of a sudden, you want to act different?”

“Oh, now you don’t want to be around us?”

“You weren’t raised like that.”

“You’re being soft.”

“You’re doing too much.”

Let them talk.

Dig in anyway.

New behaviors and new ideas may not be welcome, but they may be necessary.

You are not trying to fix everybody.

You are trying to become a healthier parent.

That alone is enough work.

The Goal Is Not to Become Perfect

The goal is not to never get angry.

The goal is not to never feel triggered.

The goal is not to erase the past.

The goal is not to be the parent who always knows exactly what to say.

The goal is to notice.

Pause.

Repair.

Practice.

Try again.

Purposeful Parenting is not about pretending the parent has no wounds. It is about refusing to let those wounds lead the household.

Children need parents who are willing to grow.

They need parents who can say:

“I handled that wrong.”

“I should not have yelled.”

“Let me try that again.”

“That was not your fault.”

“I am working on how I respond.”

“I love you, even when I correct you.”

That kind of repair matters.

Go Back to the Basics

When life feels overwhelming, go back to the basics.

Do not overcomplicate it.

Start with the basics from Purposeful Parenting.

1. Ground Rules

Children need clear expectations.

State the obvious anyway.

“No running in the house. Please walk.”

“Use respectful words.”

“Keep your hands to yourself.”

“Chores before screen time.”

Common sense still needs teaching.

2. Clear, Calm Instructions

Say what needs to happen.

Keep it brief.

Use a steady voice.

Do not lecture, insult, shame, or argue.

Try:

“Put your shoes by the door.”

“Turn off the tablet.”

“Use a respectful voice.”

“Try again.”

3. Consequences

Consequences teach that choices have outcomes.

They should be clear, reasonable, and connected when possible.

If a toy is thrown, the toy can be removed.

If a mess is made, the child helps clean it.

If a privilege is misused, the privilege is limited.

Discipline should teach, not just punish.

4. Praise

This one may feel strange if you were raised without much praise.

Praise the behavior you want to see more of.

Say:

“You followed directions the first time.”

“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”

“You told the truth even though it was hard.”

“You helped without being asked.”

Children need to know what they are doing well.

5. Connection

Spend real time with your child.

Not perfect time.

Not expensive time.

Real time.

Ask what they like.

Ask what feels hard.

Ask what made them laugh.

Ask what they are thinking about.

Be curious.

This is a whole human being in front of you.

How Do We Not Break Our Kids?

We show up.

We do our best.

We get support.

We reflect.

We repair.

We learn new skills.

We stop pretending that surviving childhood automatically prepared us for healthy parenting.

We stop using culture, tradition, pain, or pride as excuses for harm.

We stop trying to prove we are in charge and start asking what our children need to learn.

We stop serving old coffee.

We reset.

Again and again.

Smith and colleagues (2014), building on Gerald Patterson’s coercion theory, describe how repeated coercive parent-child interactions can amplify children’s noncompliance and contribute to later behavior concerns. In plain language, when parents and children repeatedly escalate, argue, threaten, resist, and give in, everybody can accidentally learn that pressure works.

That is why calm leadership matters.

That is why consistency matters.

That is why connection matters.

That is why the parent’s emotional reset matters.

A Daily Reset for the Purposeful Parent

Try this daily reset:

Wash the Pot

Ask:

“What am I carrying today?”

Name it honestly.

Anger.

Grief.

Fatigue.

Fear.

Shame.

Loneliness.

Overwhelm.

Add Fresh Water

Take care of the body.

Drink water.

Eat something real.

Breathe.

Step outside.

Rest when possible.

You cannot regulate well while running on fumes.

Use New Grounds

Choose one parenting skill to practice today.

One.

Not twelve.

Maybe today’s skill is praise.

Maybe it is lowering your voice.

Maybe it is giving one clear instruction.

Maybe it is apologizing when needed.

Brew Slowly

Do not rush into every correction.

Pause before speaking.

Lower your tone.

Use fewer words.

You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.

Serve What Is Healthy

Before responding, ask:

“Will this teach what I want my child to learn?”

If the answer is no, reset.

Try again.

Final Word

If you are still reading, that is evidence.

Evidence that you care.

Evidence that you want change.

Evidence that something in you is willing to grow.

You may have come from emotional immaturity, addiction, depression, trauma, chaos, silence, or pain.

But you are not powerless.

You can learn.

You can reflect.

You can seek help.

You can practice new skills.

You can end cycles.

You can build something healthier in your home.

Not perfectly.

Purposefully.

Fill your cup so you can pour into others.

Clean the pot.

Start fresh.

Show up daily.

Be blessed.

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References

Dobrić, T., & Patrić, A. (2024). The hidden face of parenting: Emotional immaturity. SCIENCE International Journal, 3(1), 145–148. https://doi.org/10.35120/sciencej0301145d

Loechner, J., Sfärlea, A., Starman, K., Oort, F., Thomsen, L. A., Schulte-Körne, G., & Platt, B. (2020). Risk of depression in the offspring of parents with depression: The role of emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting and life events. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 51, 294–309. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-019-00930-4

Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4 Pt 1), 917–932. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000169

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Author’s Note: This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for grammar, clarity, structure, and flow. The ideas, voice, and professional perspective are the author’s own.

Educational Notice: This article is for general wellness and parenting education. It is not a substitute for individualized mental health, medical, legal, or crisis support.

A Purposeful Parenting Perspective

King Solomon once said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”

That certainly applies to parenting.

Family conflict, child compliance, power struggles, and finding balance in the home are not new problems. In fact, behavioral psychologist Gerald Patterson spent years researching what he called the coercive cycle in parenting.

Today, I would like to talk about a common experience many parents know all too well.

A child asks.

Then asks again.

Then asks again.

Then nags.

Then complains.

Then begs.

Then gets louder.

Eventually, the parent becomes exhausted and gives in.

Up and up and up the ladder they climb until somebody folds.

But children are not the only ones guilty of climbing the ladder.

Parents do it too.

Parents repeat themselves over and over. They nag. They complain. They raise their voices. They threaten consequences they may or may not enforce. Eventually, the child complies—not because they have learned responsibility, but because the pressure became too uncomfortable.

Of course, it is often wrapped in a nice parenting package with a bow on top:

“I’m going to count to three.”

“Well, you didn’t listen when I asked nicely, so now I have to yell.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

Today, we’re talking about The Escalation Ladder.

And for the sake of all mankind…

Please get off the ladder.

This article is for the parent reading it—the leader of the household. The person responsible for setting the tone. The person modeling the behavior they want to see.

So yes, I’m talking to you.

We’re going to do something that may feel unnatural.

We’re going to combine a little research with a little Scripture.

As Proverbs reminds us:

“A soft answer turns away wrath.”

1. Give Clear and Calm Instructions

Clear and calm instructions are easier to hear and easier to understand.

If necessary, repeat yourself once.

Be patient and communicate exactly what needs to happen.

Instead of:

“Don’t be silly.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“What would your friends think if they saw this?”

Try giving direct instructions that tell the child what to do.

Also, do not overload them with directions.

Let’s be honest. We live in a generation with shortened attention spans.

This:

“Go brush your teeth and wash your face.”

Is much easier to follow than:

“Brush your teeth, wash your face, get dressed, pack your backpack, hurry up, find your shoes, and get in the car because we’re late.”

Tone matters.

A tone of sarcasm, disappointment, irritation, or contempt can turn even polite words into verbal hot sauce.

If you’re struggling with emotional control, I have a simple suggestion:

Use the robot voice.

Seriously.

Slow down.

Lower your volume.

Speak plainly.

Remove the emotional seasoning.

2. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So You Stay in Control

Many of us struggle in the patience department.

Maybe our parents did not model patience for us.

Maybe they did not give us compassion, understanding, or a listening ear.

Now here we are, trying to figure out the balance between raising respectful children and maintaining peace in our homes.

We’re all learning.

But there are some things that should be non-negotiable:

• No yelling
• No belittling
• No sarcasm
• No humiliation
• No talking down to children

If you’ve already given the instruction, you do not need approval.

You do not need agreement.

You do not need to make your point one more time.

Your role is to communicate clearly—not to win a debate.

The more emotionally regulated you are, the more effective you become.

3. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So Expectations Are Established

Children need to know what is expected.

Every home needs ground rules.

I often hear parents say:

“That should be common sense.”

Maybe.

But if it were common sense, they probably would not be arguing, swearing, hitting, or ignoring instructions.

Ground rules create clarity.

They establish what is okay and what is not okay.

Keep them simple.

Focus on the behaviors you want to reinforce.

Examples:

• Keep your hands to yourself.
• Use kind words.
• Follow instructions.
• Finish your chores.
• Work first, play later.
• Tell the truth.
• Respect people and property.

Personalize them to fit your family.

Most importantly, follow them yourself.

Children learn far more from what we model than what we lecture.

Ground rules also provide a foundation for consequences.

For example:

“You chose not to follow the ground rule about finishing chores before screen time. As a result, there will be no screen time this afternoon.”

Notice the difference.

No yelling.

No speeches.

No escalation.

Just a clear expectation followed by a clear consequence.

That’s a completely different rabbit hole for another article, but it is worth considering:

Are there clear consequences in your home?

Are they connected to the behavior?

Do you consistently follow through?

Those questions matter.

Final Thoughts

The next time you find yourself climbing the escalation ladder, pause.

Take a breath.

Lower your voice.

Give the instruction.

Repeat it once if necessary.

Then stop climbing.

Remember:

Clear.

Calm.

Consistent.

Children need leaders more than they need lecturers.

And sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is say less.

Take care.

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**Author’s Note:** This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for clarity and structure.

Now that I have been providing parenting education, I have become much more aware of the parents around me—the strategies being used successfully… and the ones that are not quite so successful.

Recently, I observed a mother and daughter arguing in a store.

The mother was trying to make the point that if her daughter wanted extra purchases, she should contribute more around the house and offer help. She emphasized that this would be the last thing she was getting.

Meanwhile, the daughter argued her side. She listed reasons she needed the items. She begged. She negotiated. She pressed.

As they moved closer to the register, Mom suddenly changed her mind.

“You know what? You actually don’t need any of this.”

Things escalated quickly.

What stood out to me most was not necessarily the words being exchanged—but the dynamic itself. They were both standing there, locked into the argument. Mom was not returning the items. The daughter continued pressing her case. Mom continued proving why she did not need them.

Back and forth. Back and forth.

On another occasion, I heard a mother describe how her son constantly argues back—even when she is obviously correct. She said she did not understand why he continued arguing when he was clearly wrong, and then, once he realized he was wrong, he would simply shrug.

Parents, I am going to give you some simple facts you may not like—but may need to hear.

Fact #1: They Are the Child. You Are the Parent. Play Your Role.

Stop arguing.

Stop doubting.

Stop engaging.

Period.

No explanation is needed, so stop going on and on trying to prove a point that no one is hearing.

Your role as a parent is to lead. To be emotionally regulated. To model what patience, calmness, and healthy communication look like.

Take a moment to observe yourself. Reflect. If you catch yourself getting pulled into the cycle, use that moment as a teaching opportunity to de-escalate.

No need for a speech.

No means no.

Stop trying to prove a point. Stop trying to make them understand your feelings by making them feel how you feel.

When we say the goal is to “teach a lesson,” it should not be in a vindictive way. The goal is to teach a life lesson.

Sometimes leadership sounds like:

“I’ve said what I’ve said.”
“The conversation is over.”
“We will come back to this later.”
“That is the rule.”

Make the statement. Stop responding.

Fact #2: We Must Model the Behavior We Want to See.

This may not be popular, but we must model the values we teach.

The biblical principles we stand on.

The emotional regulation we claim is healthy.

The communication skills we expect from our children.

That means:

No shaming
No humiliating
No name-calling
No proving points
No putting children down

Be mindful of the shame trap.

This may not apply to everyone, but for some parents, the cycle looks like this:

You become angry.

You lose your temper.

You regret what you said or did.

Now you feel ashamed, disappointed, unstable, or frustrated with yourself.

Those overwhelming emotions become difficult to manage—so they spill outward.

You become even more reactive.

Shame is powerful. When feelings of inadequacy, regret, or self-criticism take over, self-control becomes harder to access.

This is why emotional regulation matters.

You cannot teach calmness while living in chaos.

You cannot teach respectful communication while modeling escalation.

We must emulate the behaviors we want our children to learn.

So… Why Do They “Keep Talking Back”?

One of the most common complaints I hear from parents is:

“They just won’t stop talking.”
“They always have to answer back.”

My question is this:

Why do you need the last word?

Why does having the final statement signal who is more powerful? Who “won” the argument?

Be careful about your definition of winning—and whether winning is even relevant to healthy communication.

The Bible tells us:

A soft answer turns away wrath.

Your role is not to out-argue your child.

Your role is to de-escalate.

To make a clear statement and stop digging.

To be stable in your emotions.

Swift with consequences.

Consistent in your responses.

Calm in your leadership.

Declare that the conversation is over—or table it for another time.

Some helpful phrases might sound like:

“Okay, we’ll revisit this later.”
“I understand you’re upset.”
“I’ve already answered.”
“That is the expectation.”
“We’re done discussing this.”

You know your child. You know your home. Choose what is effective.

But whatever approach you choose—be consistent.

Back and forth no more.

Sources & Credits:
Content adapted from:
Latham, R. M., Mark, K. M., & Oliver, B. R. (2017). A harsh parenting team? Maternal reports of coparenting and coercive parenting interact in association with children’s disruptive behaviour. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 58(5), 603–611.

Sanders, M. R. (2003). Triple P–Positive Parenting Program: A population approach to promoting competent parenting. Australian e-Journal for the Advancement of Mental Health, 2(3), 127–143.

Infographic content developed and simplified for psychoeducational purposes by JB Simon.
Visual design concepts, layout assistance, and grammar editing supported by ChatGPT by OpenAI.

Coercive Behaviors to Avoid in Parenting: Firmness Without Fear

Parents are responsible for setting limits, teaching responsibility, correcting unsafe behavior, and preparing children to function in the real world.

That requires authority.

But authority is not the same as control through fear, shame, guilt, intimidation, or emotional withdrawal.

Coercive parenting happens when adults attempt to force compliance through escalating pressure instead of teaching children what to do, calmly following through, and reinforcing healthier behavior. These strategies may appear effective because the child becomes quiet, gives in, or completes the task. However, stopping a behavior in the moment is not the same as teaching emotional regulation, responsibility, or good judgment.

Research on coercive family processes describes a cycle in which a child resists, the parent becomes more negative or forceful, the child escalates, and the conflict continues until somebody gives in. The immediate relief that follows can unintentionally reinforce the entire pattern. Over time, both parent and child may learn that escalation is how problems get solved. (PubMed Central (PMC))

The goal is not to remove consequences, expectations, or parental leadership. The goal is to replace reactive control with calm, predictable teaching.

Why coercive patterns matter

In a meta-analysis covering 1,435 studies, parental warmth, appropriate behavioral control, autonomy support, and authoritative parenting were associated with fewer externalizing problems. Harsh control and psychological control showed some of the strongest associations with increased externalizing difficulties. These relationships can also be bidirectional: challenging behavior can increase parental frustration, while harsh responses can intensify challenging behavior. (PubMed)

The American Academy of Pediatrics similarly advises caregivers to avoid physical punishment, threatening, insulting, humiliating, and shaming children. Its policy emphasizes positive reinforcement, clear expectations, limit-setting, redirection, and consistent discipline intended to teach appropriate behavior. (AAP Publications)

This does not mean that every frustrated response causes lasting harm. Parents are human. We become tired, overstimulated, worried, and angry.

The concern is the repeated pattern.

Twelve coercive behaviors to avoid

The following framework was developed for the accompanying Coercive Parenting Behaviors to Avoid infographic. The individual labels are educational categories rather than formal diagnoses, but they reflect broader concerns identified in research on harsh control, psychological control, coercive cycles, and ineffective discipline.

1. Questioning to control

There is a difference between asking a question to understand and asking one to corner, shame, or accuse.

Statements such as:

“What were you thinking?”
“What is wrong with you?”
“Who raised you?”

rarely produce meaningful reflection during an emotionally charged moment. They usually communicate that the child has already been judged.

Try instead:

“Tell me what happened.”
“What were you hoping would happen?”
“What can you do differently next time?”

Questions should open communication—not function as disguised punishment.

2. Arguing with the child

A parent does not need to attend every argument they are invited to.

Lengthy back-and-forth exchanges can turn a clear expectation into a negotiation, reward oppositional behavior with attention, and pull the adult into the same emotional state as the child.

Try instead:

“I hear that you disagree. The direction still stands.”
“We can talk about your feelings after the task is completed.”

Then stop debating.

Calm repetition and follow-through are usually more effective than winning the argument.

3. Sarcasm and teasing

Sarcasm can feel harmless to the adult while landing as humiliation for the child.

A comment such as, “Wow, you finally cleaned something,” may acknowledge compliance while simultaneously insulting the child. Public teasing can be especially damaging because it uses embarrassment as a correction tool.

Try instead:

“Thank you for getting it done.”
“You followed through even though you did not feel like it.”

Correction should address the behavior without turning the child into the joke.

4. Physical or verbal force

Yelling, looming over a child, grabbing unnecessarily, threatening physical harm, or using intimidation may produce immediate obedience. However, fear-based compliance does not automatically build self-control.

The child may learn:

• obey only when the adult becomes frightening;
• hide mistakes;
• use aggression when frustrated;
• or focus on escaping punishment rather than repairing harm.

The AAP identifies yelling, shaming, and corporal punishment as minimally effective in the short term and ineffective as long-term teaching strategies. (AAP Publications)

Try instead:

Move closer, lower your voice, give one specific instruction, pause, and follow through with a safe, reasonable consequence.

5. Threats

Threats are often emotional reactions rather than realistic plans:

“I am throwing everything away.”
“You will never see that phone again.”
“I am canceling everything for the rest of the year.”

When parents repeatedly threaten consequences they cannot or will not enforce, children learn to wait and see whether the adult is serious.

Try instead:

“If the tablet is not placed on the counter now, tablet time will end for tonight.”

The consequence should be specific, proportionate, and possible to carry out calmly.

6. Character criticism

Correction tells a child what needs to change.

Criticism tells the child who they supposedly are.

Compare:

“You left your work unfinished.”

with:

“You are lazy.”

Or:

“That choice was dishonest.”

with:

“You are a liar.”

Children need accountability, but attacking their identity can encourage shame rather than responsibility.

Try instead:

Name the behavior, explain the expectation, require repair, and communicate that the child is capable of making a better choice.

7. Guilt messages

Statements such as:

“After everything I do for you…”
“You are going to make me sick.”
“If you loved me, you would listen.”

place responsibility for the parent’s emotional stability onto the child.

Children should understand that their choices affect others. That is different from making them responsible for managing an adult’s feelings.

Try instead:

“Your choice created a problem. Let us talk about how you will repair it.”

The lesson should be responsibility—not emotional indebtedness.

8. Using logic without emotional acknowledgment

Reasoning is important, but timing matters.

When a child is overwhelmed, launching into a long explanation about responsibility, consequences, future success, family values, and everything the parent sacrificed may not be useful. The child may hear only criticism.

Acknowledging an emotion does not mean changing the limit.

Try instead:

“You are disappointed because screen time is over. I understand. The tablet still needs to be put away.”

Emotion and expectation can exist together.

Research on mindful parenting emphasizes listening with full attention, emotional awareness, self-regulation, compassion, and nonjudgmental acceptance. These qualities can help parents interrupt automatic reactions and choose responses that protect both the limit and the relationship. (Springer)

9. Reporting the child’s behavior to shame them

Parents may need to communicate with teachers, caregivers, clinicians, or co-parents. That is responsible coordination.

The problem occurs when disclosure becomes public punishment:

“Tell Grandma what you did.”
“Wait until I tell everybody how you acted.”
“I am going to post this so people can see.”

Using another person’s reaction to embarrass a child can damage trust and encourage secrecy.

Try instead:

Discuss behavior privately and share information only with people who genuinely need it to support safety, accountability, or treatment.

10. Removing privileges inconsistently

Consequences become confusing when they depend on the parent’s mood, have no relationship to the behavior, or change throughout the argument.

One day disrespect leads to losing a phone for an hour. The next day it results in losing every privilege for a month. Another day nothing happens.

This unpredictability makes it difficult for children to connect behavior with outcome.

Try instead:

Decide common consequences while calm. Keep them brief, realistic, and connected when possible.

Positive parenting research supports clear instructions, predictable follow-through, contingent reinforcement, and deliberate attention to desired behavior. Parent-training approaches such as Triple P and Parent–Child Interaction Therapy have demonstrated benefits across child, parent, and family outcomes, although results vary across programs and populations. (PubMed)

11. One-upmanship

A child says, “School was hard today.”

The parent responds:

“You think that is hard? You should have seen my childhood.”

The parent’s experience may be valid, but comparison can shut down communication.

Children do need perspective. They also need space to describe their current experience without being told that someone else suffered more.

Try instead:

“That sounds difficult. What happened?”
“I went through something similar, but I want to understand your experience first.”

Perspective works better after connection.

12. The silent treatment

A cooling-off period can be healthy when it is explained:

“I am too upset to speak respectfully right now. I need ten minutes, and then we will talk.”

The silent treatment is different. It withdraws communication or affection to create anxiety and force the child to pursue the parent.

Children should not have to earn the restoration of love.

Try instead:

Remain emotionally available while holding the consequence:

“I am upset about your choice, and I still love you. We will address what happened.”

Firm parenting is not coercive parenting

Avoiding coercion does not mean:

• allowing disrespect;
• giving endless warnings;
• negotiating every rule;
• removing consequences;
• or protecting children from all discomfort.

Healthy discipline can be direct:

“Put the game away now.”

It can be firm:

“You may be disappointed, but the answer is no.”

It can include consequences:

“Because the phone was used after bedtime, it will charge in my room tonight.”

The difference is that the parent is teaching rather than retaliating.

What to do instead

A simple replacement pattern is:

Connect. Direct. Pause. Follow through. Reinforce. Repair.

Connect: Get close enough to gain the child’s attention.

Direct: Give one clear, age-appropriate instruction.

Pause: Allow time for the child to process and respond.

Follow through: Apply the planned consequence without arguing or adding angry punishments.

Reinforce: Notice cooperation, effort, honesty, and repair.

Repair: When either person loses control, return to the interaction, acknowledge it, and try again.

Positive behavior support matters because families do not break coercive cycles only by removing negative behavior. They also need to deliberately strengthen healthier interactions. In the Early Steps trial, the Family Check-Up intervention was associated with steeper declines in oppositional and aggressive behavior and some reductions in coercion. The study also emphasized improving family management and positive behavior support. (PubMed Central (PMC))

Parents can repair too

Parents will make mistakes.

You may yell.

You may say something unfair.

You may give an unreasonable consequence because you are angry.

Accountability does not weaken parental authority. It models the exact skill we want children to learn.

Try:

“I was right to address the behavior, but I was wrong to insult you. I am sorry. The rule still matters, and I will handle it differently.”

That statement contains both connection and leadership.

The goal is not perfect parenting.

The goal is becoming more aware of the cycles we create, more deliberate about the skills we reinforce, and more regulated in the way we lead.

Children need parents with a backbone and a heart.

They need boundaries without humiliation, consequences without revenge, and authority that does not require fear.

Correct the behavior. Protect the relationship. Teach the skill.

— JB Simon
Wellness and Resilience Educator | Purposeful Parenting

References

Duncan, L. G., Coatsworth, J. D., & Greenberg, M. T. (2009). A model of mindful parenting: Implications for parent–child relationships and prevention research. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 12, 255–270. doi:10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3.

Pinquart, M. (2017). Associations of parenting dimensions and styles with externalizing problems of children and adolescents: An updated meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology, 53(5), 873–932. doi:10.1037/dev0000295.

Sanders, M. R., Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Day, J. J. (2014). The Triple P–Positive Parenting Program: A systematic review and meta-analysis of a multi-level system of parenting support. Clinical Psychology Review, 34(4), 337–357. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2014.04.003.

Sege, R. D., & Siegel, B. S. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. doi:10.1542/peds.2018-3112.

Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4), 917–932. doi:10.1017/S0954579414000169.

Thomas, R., Abell, B., Webb, H. J., Avdagic, E., & Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J. (2017). Parent–Child Interaction Therapy: A meta-analysis. Pediatrics, 140(3), e20170352. doi:10.1542/peds.2017-0352.

By JB Simon

Gentle parenting has become an unpopular term to some, often viewed as too soft or permissive. But I believe we may have misunderstood the heart behind it. It is possible to be both gentle and firm. Children need love, affection, patience, and emotional safety—but they also need structure, authority, accountability, and consistency.

Many parents lean heavily on spankings and punishment while lacking consistency, communication, and connection. Others avoid discipline altogether in an effort to keep the peace. Neither extreme is healthy. Parenting should be intentional, calm, loving, and rooted in purpose.

That is why I like the term Purposeful Parenting—doing things with intention, love, wisdom, and consistency. Parenting should not be reactive or ego-driven. It should benefit the child and help prepare them for life.

Here are four things every parent should be mindful of.

1. Reactivity

Reactivity happens when we respond emotionally instead of intentionally. This often comes in the form of yelling, harsh punishment, threatening, or speaking from anger. Children will make mistakes, test limits, forget instructions, and express emotions immaturely. As parents, we must remain in control of ourselves.

A parent should be calm enough to make wise decisions that are not rooted in anger, embarrassment, or pride, but in what truly benefits the child.

A firm, quiet voice is often more effective than chaos and intimidation. Parenting should not become a power struggle or an emotional battle. The goal is to make expectations known, not to “win” an argument or force validation from the child.

Children need correction, but they also need emotional safety. A child should fear consequences, not fear their parent.

2. Addressing Our Own Childhood Wounds

One of the most important things a parent can do is reflect on their own upbringing.

Maybe you were told children should “stay in a child’s place.” Maybe emotional expression was ignored or punished. Maybe you were disciplined harshly, made to feel unheard, or taught that children should simply obey without question.

Without reflection, we often repeat what we experienced—whether it was healthy or not.

We must ask ourselves:

• Are my expectations realistic?
• Is this healthy?
• Why does this behavior trigger me?
• Do I feel personally disrespected when a child expresses emotion or frustration?
• Am I expecting emotional maturity from a child that even adults struggle to maintain?

Some parents were taught that children should not feel tired, angry, bored, frustrated, or overwhelmed. But children are human beings, not robots. Their emotions may need guidance and boundaries, but they still deserve acknowledgment.

Purposeful Parenting encourages reflection, self-awareness, and growth. We cannot lead children well if we never examine ourselves.

3. Laxness

Laxness is a major issue in parenting today.

If rules constantly change, are rarely enforced, or have no meaningful consequences attached to them, children eventually stop taking them seriously. Boundaries without follow-through become suggestions.

At times, it is easier to let things slide in order to avoid conflict or keep the peace. Let us be honest—parenting can be exhausting. Burnout is real. However, long-term inconsistency creates confusion and insecurity for children.

While grace and flexibility are important, children still need:

• structure
• boundaries
• safety
• accountability
• routine

Even during difficult seasons, parents must maintain the bare minimum standards that provide stability and security in the home.

Purposeful Parenting teaches that consequences should be calm, consistent, and connected to the behavior—not random, excessive, or emotionally charged.

4. Consistency

Consistency is probably the hardest part of parenting.

Regardless of stress, personal struggles, exhaustion, or the behavior of others, children still need parents who remain steady. They need adults who model emotional regulation, healthy communication, and self-control.

Consistency builds trust. Children learn what to expect, what is acceptable, and that boundaries actually matter.

This does not mean perfection. Parents will make mistakes. But healthy parenting involves repair, accountability, and continued effort.

A healthy relationship with your child is built through:

• quality time
• affection
• listening
• calm communication
• clear expectations
• consistent follow-through

Children need parents who are emotionally safe while still being the authority in the home.

Purposeful Parenting is not permissive parenting. It is not harsh parenting either. It is intentional parenting—firm in standards, gentle in approach, rooted in love, faith, wisdom, and purpose.

Perhaps we do not need to abandon gentleness. Perhaps we simply need to pair it with structure, consistency, and accountability.

Citation Note:

Primary authorship and concepts by JB Simon. AI tools were used solely for editorial assistance, grammar correction, and content organization.