Acceptance

Posted in Bible Reflections, Growing in Faith

Blessings or Burdens?

Posted on by JB Simon

When God-Given Responsibilities Start Feeling Heavy

This morning, while doing my Bible reading, praying, and thinking, I found myself sitting with one question:

Am I so heavy because I have been carrying my blessings as burdens?

That question hit me in a way I could not ignore.

There are many areas of my life that have fallen by the wayside when it comes to discipline and obedience to Christ. Nutrition. Exercise. Daily reading. Daily prayer. Stewardship of my time. Stewardship of my body. Stewardship of my thoughts.

Not because I do not care.

But because I have been tired.

Because life has been full.

Because my calendar has been chaotic.

Because my mind has been carrying a lot.

Because sometimes, even the things we love can start to feel heavy when we are not being renewed.

This morning, I was reading Colossians chapter 1. In verses 10–12, Paul is praying that believers would live a life worthy of the Lord, please Him in every way, bear fruit in every good work, grow in the knowledge of God, and be strengthened with God’s power.

But this is the part that stood out to me the most:

“Great endurance and patience… joyfully.”

That word joyfully stayed with me.

Not just endurance.

Not just patience.

But endurance and patience with joy.

That made me pause.

Because I can endure.
I can push through.
I can do the task.
I can show up.
I can take care of what needs to be taken care of.

But have I been doing it joyfully?

Have I been strengthened by God’s power, or have I been dragging myself through the day in my own strength?

Have I been bearing fruit in every good work, or have I been resenting the work because I forgot it was connected to purpose?

Strength for Daily Life

Sometimes we think of endurance as something needed only for major suffering, major loss, or major crisis.

But we need endurance for daily life too.

We need endurance to walk through this world.
We need endurance to fight against our natural tendencies.
We need endurance to face our challenges.
We need endurance to deal with other people.
We need endurance to stay faithful when the routine feels boring.
We need endurance to keep choosing obedience when our feelings are not cooperating.

And we need patience.

Patience with the process.
Patience with people.
Patience with ourselves.
Patience with God’s timing.
Patience with the parts of life that are not moving as quickly as we hoped.

But Colossians does not stop there.

It says joyfully.

That is where I had to sit with myself.

Because sometimes I am moving.
Sometimes I am serving.
Sometimes I am working.
Sometimes I am showing up.

But I am not always joyful.

Sometimes I am heavy.
Sometimes I am irritated.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed.
Sometimes I am quietly resentful.
Sometimes I am carrying blessings like they are burdens.

The Weight of Transition

I am going through a lot of transitions in life right now.

I work in the mental health field, and it can be emotionally and mentally exhausting. I sit with people’s pain. I listen. I help. I show up. Then, along with the emotional demands of the work, there are the corporate demands: paperwork, reports, robot-like perfection, deadlines, documentation, and expectations that do not always leave much room for being human.

I am also in the process of buying a new home.

That is a blessing.

But it is also decisions, paperwork, money, planning, phone calls, uncertainty, and waiting.

Then there is parenting.

And every parent knows those trenches.

Some days, you are on the offensive. Other days, you are crawling through the muck of the trenches, just trying to make it through bedtime, homework, attitudes, meals, laundry, conversations, correction, emotions, and all the little things that somehow become big things.

More emotional wear.

Then there is church.

I do not know if I am the only one who feels this, but I feel a deep desire to see change in our community, starting in my church. I want to help in Sunday School. I want to be useful. I want to allow God to use me in whatever way He sees fit.

But even good things take time.

Even serving takes energy.

Even purpose has responsibility attached to it.

And when I look at all of it together, I have to ask:

Why am I carrying my blessings like burdens?

When Blessings Start Feeling Heavy

The job is a blessing.

The home is a blessing.

The child is a blessing.

The opportunity to serve is a blessing.

The gifts are blessings.

The open doors are blessings.

The chance to play a meaningful role in other people’s lives is a blessing.

The chance to encourage, teach, support, write, reflect, and point people back to God is a blessing.

So why does it feel so heavy?

Maybe because I have been trying to carry it without being strengthened.

Maybe because I have been doing good work without returning to the One who gives strength for the work.

Maybe because I have been focused on the task and not the fruit.

Maybe because I have been looking at responsibility and forgetting opportunity.

Maybe because I have been asking, “Why is this so much?” instead of asking, “Lord, how do You want me to steward this?”

That is not to minimize the effort.

The work is real.

The exhaustion is real.

The pressure is real.

The responsibilities are real.

But I also have to acknowledge that many of the things I am carrying are connected to answered prayers, open doors, purpose, growth, and the opportunity to give God glory.

Endurance, Patience, and Joyfully

This morning, I had to reflect.

Why am I not strengthened with all power?

Why am I not walking through this with endurance?

Why am I not walking through this with patience?

Why am I not walking through this joyfully?

I believe part of the answer is renewal.

I need to be renewed in my mind.

I need to be renewed in my body.

I need to be renewed in my spirit.

I need to be reminded of my reasons.

As I listened to my worship playlist, the songs kept pointing back to being made new, breathing new life, and giving glory to God.

And that became my prayer.

Lord, renew me.

Not because everything is easy.

Not because there is no work to do.

Not because I am pretending the responsibilities are light.

But because I do not want to carry blessings with resentment.

I do not want to carry purpose with bitterness.

I do not want to carry opportunity with apathy.

I do not want to drag what God has given me as if it is punishment.

I want to carry it with gratitude.

I want to walk with courage.

I want to walk with authenticity.

I want to walk with endurance, patience, and joy.

A Prayer for Renewal

If you are lacking strength, feeling discouraged, wondering why you keep going, wondering what the point is, or feeling like you cannot handle more, pray this prayer with me.

Lord, today I come before You needing to be refreshed, restored, and renewed.

Remind me of my reasons.

Remind me of the reason I do what I do.

My purpose is to serve You.
My purpose is to uplift Your name.
My purpose is to share Your love with others.

Remind me of the reason I have my gifts.

I am blessed with opportunities.
I am blessed with gifts.
I am blessed with skills.
I am blessed with abilities.

Help me use them for Your glory.

Help me remember that these are not just things I have to do. Some of these are things I enjoy. Some of these are things I love. Some of these are things You placed in me. Some of these are things You gave me the heart to carry.

Help me rejoice and give praise as I follow through in Your will.

Thank You for the thing that came along and broke the apathy.

Thank You for the thing that broke through my misery.

Thank You for the thing that broke through my disappointment.

Thank You for the thing that broke through the mask.

Thank You for the thing that broke through the walls.

Help me walk with courage.

Help me walk in authenticity.

Help me walk in gratitude.

Help me recognize the blessings You have given me.

Help me stop carrying my blessings like burdens.

Strengthen me with Your power.

Give me endurance.

Give me patience.

Help me walk joyfully.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Journal Questions

  1. What blessing in my life has started to feel like a burden?
  2. Where have I been operating in my own strength instead of asking God to renew me?
  3. What areas of discipline have fallen by the wayside?
  4. What is God asking me to steward with more gratitude?
  5. Where do I need endurance?
  6. Where do I need patience?
  7. Where do I need joy?
  8. What responsibility have I been resenting that may actually be an opportunity to serve?
  9. What good work am I being called to bear fruit in?
  10. What would change if I carried this season with gratitude instead of heaviness?

Final Reflection

Some things are heavy because they are hard.

But some things are heavy because we forgot they are holy.

Some things are heavy because they require work.

But some things are heavy because we have been carrying them disconnected from the One who gives strength.

May we learn to carry our blessings with gratitude, not resentment.

May we be strengthened with endurance, patience, and joy.

May we bear fruit in every good work.

May we grow in the knowledge of God.

May we give Him glory with what He has placed in our hands.

Find peace.

Be blessed.

— JB Simon

Posted in Relationships

Why Your Adult Children Are Not Talking to You

Posted on by JB Simon

A reflection on distance, corrosive behaviors, emotional safety, and the work of repair.

Maybe you are the adult child reading this because there is a parent you no longer talk to.

Maybe you are the parent reading this because your child has stopped reaching out, keeps conversations short, avoids visiting, or does not seem to need to be around you anymore.

I will do my best to say this from an objective, third-party perspective. Using observation, education, and my own personal experiences, this is what I have learned: when people are repeatedly treated in ways that hurt, dismiss, shame, overwhelm, or confuse them, they often protect themselves by creating distance.

That distance may look like avoidance. It may look like short answers. It may look like not visiting. It may look like silence. It may look like cutting contact completely.

And while every relationship has its own story, there are patterns worth reflecting on.

Distance Is Often a Response, Not Random Rebellion

Adult children usually do not distance themselves for no reason.

Sometimes distance comes after years of trying to be heard. Sometimes it comes after repeated conflict. Sometimes it comes after realizing the relationship leaves them anxious, criticized, exhausted, unseen, or emotionally unsafe.

This does not mean every parent is “bad.” It does not mean every adult child is “right.” It means the relationship has information in it.

Distance is data.

A person pulling away is often communicating, “This relationship does not feel healthy for me right now.”

Corrosive Behaviors Damage Relationships

I have written before about corrosive behaviors. These are patterns that wear down trust, safety, connection, and emotional closeness over time.

It does not matter if you are a parent, friend, spouse, sibling, coworker, or church member. If you repeatedly treat someone in a harmful way, they may eventually avoid you, protect themselves from you, “get you back,” or absorb those actions as truths about what they deserve.

My advice, especially if you are a parent, is to read about corrosive behaviors and reflect.

Do not justify. Do not give excuses. Only reflect.

Sometimes our own understanding, pain, opinions, upbringing, pride, or discomfort block us from understanding another person’s perspective. It may be very difficult for you to understand their feelings. So take it as a scientific fact when I tell you this: the following behaviors are commonly experienced as harmful and can negatively influence relationships.

1. Not Listening

No one wants to be talked over.

No one wants to be ignored.

No one wants to open their mouth and already know the other person is preparing a lecture, correction, defense, or dismissal.

This matters whether the child is 8, 18, 38, or 58. It matters no matter who you are in the relationship.

When someone does not feel heard, they often stop trying. Most people do not have the audacity, energy, or emotional safety to keep saying, “You are not listening to me.” Instead, they may avoid you. They may give shorter answers. They may stop sharing personal information. They may eventually cut you off.

Reflection question: Do I listen to understand, or do I listen to correct, defend, or control?

2. Demeaning Behavior

Demeaning behavior includes belittling, sarcasm, mocking, humiliation, eye-rolling, dismissive jokes, or making someone feel small.

Sometimes people call this “just joking.” But a joke that repeatedly wounds someone is not harmless.

Sarcasm can become a weapon. Mocking can become emotional rejection. Belittling can teach someone that being around you means being made to feel foolish, weak, or less-than.

Over time, people may stop coming around because they are tired of being the punchline.

Reflection question: Do people leave conversations with me feeling respected or reduced?

3. Name-Calling and Personal Attacks

Name-calling is not always obvious.

Sometimes it is direct: “You’re lazy.” “You’re selfish.” “You’re stupid.” “You’re dramatic.”

Sometimes it is indirect: making fun of someone’s hair, weight, style, preferences, relationships, job, personality, parenting, or life choices.

It is mean. And it hurts.

Even when people laugh it off, they may remember it. Even when they act unbothered, they may carry it. Even when they keep showing up, they may slowly stop trusting you with the softer parts of themselves.

Reflection question: Have I confused honesty with cruelty?

4. Overcorrecting and Pointing Out Every Flaw

Some people cannot let anything be imperfect.

The child colors outside the lines, and instead of seeing creativity, the adult sees error. The adult child makes a decision, and instead of asking questions with curiosity, someone points out everything wrong with it.

The house is not clean enough. The job is not good enough. The outfit is not right. The parenting is not right. The tone is not right. The timing is not right. The effort is not enough.

There is a difference between guidance and constant correction.

Overcorrecting sends the message: “You are always being evaluated.” That becomes exhausting.

Poor flexibility and the inability to accept flaws can make a relationship feel like a performance review instead of a safe connection.

Reflection question: Do I create space for people to be imperfect around me?

5. Emotional Dysregulation

Yelling. Losing your temper. Being angry all the time. Being moody. Exploding over small things. Making everyone walk on eggshells.

This is hard to say plainly, but it needs to be said: no one wants to be around that all the time.

People can have mood disorders. People can experience trauma. People can go through very hard things in life: stress, grief, health issues, financial hardship, and deep disappointment.

But there is a difference between a struggle and a pattern.

Struggling means you are human. A pattern means the people around you are repeatedly carrying the impact.

Some people cannot handle crisis energy all the time. Some people cannot handle always being the giver in the relationship and never receiving support, love, listening, gentleness, or accountability in return.

If this is hitting home, remember: this is not me being mean or pointing out terrible things. This is a point of reflection.

Reflection question: Do people feel emotionally safe around me, or do they have to monitor my mood to survive the interaction?

6. Negativity and Constant Criticism

Most of us already struggle with our own negative thoughts. We do not need others to add to them every time we show up.

This may sound like:

“Why are you still single?”
“Why aren’t you working a better job?”
“When are you having kids?”
“Why did you choose that career?”
“Why are you living there?”
“Why did you do your hair like that?”
“Why are you wasting your time?”
“You should have done this by now.”

Ew.

Keep that.

It is a vibe killer and a doubt creator.

Maybe you see it as being helpful. Maybe you think you are asking questions because you care. Maybe you believe you are offering wisdom. But be mindful: your questions may sound more critical than inquisitive.

There is such a thing as minding your own business, especially when dealing with another adult. Adults get to decide what they share. Topics like relationships, fertility, housing, careers, money, past failures, and personal struggles are sensitive. Let people bring those things up when they are ready.

Celebrate effort. Notice growth. Praise what has been done. Do not laser-focus only on what you deem flawed.

Reflection question: Do my questions make people feel loved, or do they make people feel examined?

7. Toxic Positivity and Denying Reality

On the other end of negativity is toxic positivity.

These are the people who act like everything is fine when it is clearly not fine.

Nothing is wrong.
You are fine.
We are fine.
The family is fine.
Just pray about it.
Just move on.
Stop being dramatic.

Meanwhile, there may be trauma, addiction, abuse, mental health crises, hospitalization, family violence, betrayal, neglect, or years of pain that no one wants to name.

When people pretend everything is rainbows and unicorns while someone is suffering inside, it can make that person question their sanity.

When someone tries to speak up and is ignored, dismissed, or treated like they are the unstable one, it creates distance. It tells them, “My reality is not safe here.”

Acknowledging reality does not mean becoming negative. It means being honest.

You can be positive, uplifting, faith-filled, hopeful, and encouraging while still acknowledging what is in front of you.

I personally want to think of myself as an optimistic realist: hopeful enough to believe things can get better, but honest enough to admit what needs healing.

If someone asks for help and you cannot provide support, it is quite simple: reach out to professionals who can.

Reflection question: Do I use positivity to encourage people, or do I use it to avoid uncomfortable truth?

For the Adult Child Reading This

Maybe you are the child.

Maybe you have distanced yourself because closeness became painful, confusing, draining, or unsafe.

Maybe people call you disrespectful, cold, unforgiving, or dramatic. Maybe they do not understand that silence was not your first choice. It may be what you chose after trying, explaining, hoping, shutting down, or realizing the pattern was not changing.

You are allowed to protect your peace. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to acknowledge what happened. You are allowed to want repair and still need distance. You are allowed to love someone and not be emotionally available to them in the same way anymore.

Distance can protect you, but healing still matters. Whether or not the relationship is repaired, your peace matters. Your story matters. Your ability to build healthier relationships matters.

For the Parent Reading This

Maybe you are the parent.

Maybe you are confused, hurt, angry, embarrassed, or grieving because your child does not call, visit, open up, or include you.

This is not the moment to focus only on what they are doing wrong.

This is the moment to ask:

What was it like for them to be in relationship with me?
Did they feel heard?
Did they feel safe?
Did they feel respected?
Did they feel accepted?
Did they feel like they could be imperfect?
Did they feel loved without being criticized?
Did I repair when I hurt them?

Repair is possible. But repair requires humility.

Not guilt-tripping. Not demanding access. Not forcing a conversation. Not rushing forgiveness. Not saying, “After all I did for you.” Not making the adult child responsible for your emotional comfort.

Repair may start with one honest sentence:

“I am beginning to understand that some of my behaviors may have hurt you. I am not asking you to fix this for me. I am reflecting, and I am willing to do the work.”

What Repair Can Look Like

Repair is not a speech.

Repair is a pattern.

  • Reflect before responding.
  • Read about corrosive behaviors.
  • Stop justifying the behavior.
  • Listen without interrupting.
  • Apologize specifically.
  • Change the behavior consistently.
  • Respect boundaries.
  • Give the relationship time.
  • Seek therapy, pastoral support, family counseling, or professional help when needed.
  • Understand that forgiveness and access are not the same thing.

It is never too late to become safer, softer, more accountable, and more respectful. But it will take work, and it will take time.

Final Thoughts

Well folks, that is all for today.

If you are a parent reading this and wondering why someone has cut you off or distanced themselves, use this as a moment to reflect.

Not spiral.

Reflect.

Repair is possible. It is never too late to grow, but it will require humility, patience, consistency, and a willingness to see what you may not have wanted to see before.

And if you are the adult child reading this, may you continue choosing healing, honesty, peace, and relationships where your voice, reality, and personhood are respected.

Distance may explain the wound.

Reflection begins the repair.

Find peace.

Be blessed.

— JB Simon

Posted in The Steady Life

When Calm Feels Impossible

Posted on by JB Simon

How to Return to Steadiness When You’re Overwhelmed, Triggered, or Tired

Infographic titled When Calm Feels Impossible with tips about emotional regulation and the STOP reset.
When Calm Feels Impossible infographic by JB Simon with AI collaboration.

Calm sounds beautiful when life is quiet.

It sounds wise when you are reading about it, teaching it, or giving advice to someone else.

But when your child is yelling, your spouse is distant, your job is draining you, your body is tense, and your mind is running through every possible worst-case scenario, calm can feel impossible.

Not hard.

Impossible.

And that is usually the moment when people start judging themselves.

“I should be better than this.”
“I know better.”
“Why can’t I just calm down?”
“I’m a bad parent.”
“I’m too emotional.”
“I’m about to lose it.”

But here is the truth: sometimes calm feels impossible because your system is overwhelmed.

You are not just “being dramatic.”
You are not just “overreacting.”
You may be dysregulated.

Emotional regulation is the ability to notice, manage, and recover from emotional stress without being completely controlled by it. It does not mean you never get angry, tired, hurt, anxious, or overwhelmed. It means you are learning how to pause, understand what is happening inside of you, and choose a response that matches your values instead of your impulse.

Self-regulation is not the same as self-control or compliance. Shanker explains that self-regulation is about how effectively a person deals with stress and then recovers. When a nervous system is over-stretched, punishing the “lack of discipline” can make the problem worse instead of helping the person return to calm (Shanker, 2013).

This matters in parenting, relationships, work, and everyday life because when we are dysregulated, our judgment, insight, decision-making, and self-control can get thrown off balance. That is when the meltdown starts building.

Not always loudly. Sometimes it starts quietly.

A tight jaw.
Narrowed eyes.
A sharp tone.
Fast thoughts.
Clenched hands.
A body that feels ready to fight, flee, freeze, or shut down.

That is your signal.

Take a moment.

Stop.

It does not matter if it is your kids, your husband, your job, your family, or the fifty-eleven things waiting on you. When calm feels impossible, the first goal is not to fix everything.

The first goal is to pause long enough to notice where you are and where you are headed.

Why Calm Matters

Calm is not about being passive.

Calm is not about letting people do whatever they want.

Calm is not about pretending everything is fine.

Calm gives you access to wisdom.

When children are calmly focused and alert, they are better able to manage emotions, pay attention, ignore distractions, control impulses, understand consequences, consider other people’s thoughts and feelings, and show empathy. Adults need this too. A dysregulated adult cannot consistently guide a dysregulated child into steadiness (Shanker, 2013).

This is why calm matters so much in parenting. Children do not only learn from what we say. They learn from what we model.

If we yell every time we are overwhelmed, we teach yelling as a response to overwhelm.

If we shut down every time conflict happens, we teach avoidance.

If we insult, shame, slam, threaten, or explode, we teach that emotional intensity gives permission to lose control.

But when we pause, breathe, name what is happening, repair when needed, and come back with steadiness, we teach something different.

We teach emotional leadership.

We teach that anger can be managed.

We teach that frustration does not have to become destruction.

We teach that correction can happen without chaos.

Mindful parenting research emphasizes that parents can strengthen parent-child relationships by bringing present-moment awareness, emotional awareness, self-regulation, compassion, and nonjudgmental acceptance into parenting interactions. This does not remove discipline. It helps parents choose discipline from wisdom instead of reaction (Duncan et al., 2009).

1. You May Be Dysregulated

Dysregulation happens when your emotional, mental, or physical system is overwhelmed and struggling to return to balance.

In simple terms: you are not steady.

Your body may be in survival mode. Your thoughts may be racing. Your emotions may be louder than your wisdom. Your mouth may be three seconds away from saying something your steady self would not approve.

This is why the pause matters.

Not because pausing magically fixes everything, but because you cannot choose a new direction until you realize what direction you are already moving in.

Ask: What am I doing right now?

This is the present-moment question.

Not “What did they do?”
Not “Who started it?”
Not “Why is this always happening?”

Ask:

What am I doing?

Am I yelling?
Am I shutting down?
Am I slamming things?
Am I typing a message I should not send?
Am I giving a consequence out of anger?
Am I walking toward the room, mid-step, ready to confront someone?
Am I sitting silently but building a whole courtroom in my head?

Notice your body too.

Are your eyes narrowed?
Is your jaw tight?
Are your shoulders raised?
Are your hands clenched?
Is your breathing shallow?
Is your tone getting sharper?

You cannot move forward with wisdom until you know where you are standing.

Ask: Where am I going?

This is the future-focused question.

If I keep going in this direction, what happens next?

Will I yell?
Will I shame my child?
Will I attack instead of explain?
Will I avoid something that actually needs repair?
Will I punish when I really need to pause?
Will I say something that damages trust?

Ask: What is the next steady step?

Does this moment require correction?
Does this moment require silence?
Does this moment require repair?
Does this moment require walking away for five minutes?
Does this moment require prayer?
Does this moment require saying, “I cannot talk about this well right now, but I will come back”?

The goal is not to fix years of wiring, conditioning, habits, trauma responses, or family patterns in one moment.

We cannot fix every pattern immediately.

But we can start with the pause.

The pause is where change begins.

2. Your Self-Talk May Be Making It Worse

Sometimes the situation is hard.

But sometimes the story we are telling ourselves makes the situation feel even bigger.

Pay attention to the thoughts running through your mind.

Are you telling yourself:

“They are making me mad on purpose.”
“My child is just disrespectful.”
“I’m a bad parent.”
“Nobody listens to me.”
“I always mess everything up.”
“They do not care about me.”
“If I let this slide, I’m weak.”
“I have to handle this right now.”

Those thoughts may feel true in the moment, but feelings are not always facts.

This is where steadiness requires self-talk that is honest but not destructive.

Instead of:

“They’re making me mad on purpose.”

Try:

“I feel angry. I need to understand what is happening before I react.”

Instead of:

“I’m a bad parent.”

Try:

“I am overwhelmed right now, but I can still choose one steady response.”

Instead of:

“They’re disrespectful.”

Try:

“This behavior needs correction, but I do not have to correct it with chaos.”

The words you speak internally matter.

Your self-talk can either pour gasoline on the moment or help create enough space for wisdom to enter.

Mindfulness research connects awareness, observing, describing, nonjudgment, and nonreactivity with emotional regulation. In everyday language, this means we can learn to notice our thoughts and feelings without immediately becoming ruled by them (Duncan et al., 2009).

3. You May Lack Intrapersonal Awareness

Intrapersonal skills are the skills that help you understand yourself.

Your emotions.
Your limits.
Your triggers.
Your needs.
Your patterns.
Your capacity.

In plain language: do you know you?

Do you know when you are about to lose it?

Do you know when your tone is changing?

Do you know when you are correcting from wisdom versus correcting from embarrassment?

Do you know when you can handle a conversation and when you need to walk away first?

This matters because not every situation needs to be handled immediately.

Sometimes we must choose peace.

Peace over immediate consequences for our children.
Peace over addressing something unspoken with another adult.
Peace over proving a point.
Peace over winning the argument.
Peace over having the last word.

That is not fear.

That is not avoidance.

That is wisdom.

There are moments when you do not currently have the emotional ability to handle the situation in a healthy way. If you already feel yourself on the edge, tackle what is doable.

“I am too upset to handle this well right now. I am going to pause, and we will come back to this.”

“This does need to be addressed, but not while I am this angry.”

“I am choosing to calm my body before I correct your behavior.”

That is not weakness.

That is self-leadership.

4. You May Not Know What Calm Feels Like

Some people have been in survival mode so long that calm feels unfamiliar.

Calm may even feel unsafe.

If you grew up around yelling, conflict, emotional distance, chaos, pressure, or constant responsibility, your body may be more familiar with tension than peace.

So when people say, “Just calm down,” it can feel almost insulting.

Because what does calm even feel like?

For some, calm feels like:

Quiet breathing.
Relaxed shoulders.
A softer jaw.
The ability to think before speaking.
Less urgency.
Less pressure to fix everything immediately.
A slower tone.
A body that does not feel like it is bracing for impact.
A mind that can say, “I have choices.”

Calm is not always happiness.

Calm is not pretending nothing is wrong.

Calm is the ability to stay present without being controlled by panic, anger, fear, or shame.

If calm feels unfamiliar, start small.

Notice one calm moment.

A warm drink.
A quiet car ride.
A song that settles you.
A prayer whispered under your breath.
A walk outside.
A clean corner of the room.
A deep breath after crying.
A moment where you did not react the way you usually would.

That counts.

Peace may not come all at once. Sometimes it returns in pieces.

5. You May Be Carrying Too Much Stress

Sometimes the reason calm feels impossible is simple:

You are carrying too much.

Too many demands.
Too many people needing you.
Too many bills.
Too many decisions.
Too many emotional situations.
Too little rest.
Too little support.
Too little space to breathe.

When we are already on edge, there is a higher chance we will go over.

This is where locus of control matters.

Some things are inside your control.
Some things are outside your control.
Some things are your responsibility.
Some things are not yours to carry.

When everything feels urgent, ask:

What can I actually control right now?
What is mine to handle?
What can wait?
What needs help?
What am I carrying that does not belong to me?

Sometimes all you can do is your best.

And sometimes your best is enough.

Not perfect.
Not impressive.
Not pleasing to everybody.

Enough.

There will always be people who benefit from your overextension and feel uncomfortable when you start choosing peace. Let them be uncomfortable.

You are allowed to have limits.

You are allowed to say, “I cannot do that right now.”

You are allowed to protect your peace without apologizing for needing to breathe.

Chill out. Handle what you can. Release what you cannot carry today.

6. Your Self-Care May Be Too Poor to Support Calm

Calm is not only emotional.

It is physical too.

Your body supports your ability to stay steady. Poor sleep, poor nutrition, dehydration, lack of movement, pain, overstimulation, and exhaustion can all affect your ability to regulate emotions.

This is not about being perfect.

This is not about becoming a wellness influencer with a green smoothie and matching yoga set.

This is about basic support for general sanity.

Food matters.
Water matters.
Sleep matters.
Movement matters.
Sunlight matters.
Quiet matters.
Medical care matters.
Rest matters.

Stress can come from many places: biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and even prosocial demands. Children can be affected by noise, lack of sleep, too much screen time, too little movement, emotional strain, cognitive overload, and social pressure. Adults are not immune to those stressors either (Shanker, 2013).

Nutrition can support calm because your body needs fuel to function. Movement helps release stress and supports mood. Even a short walk, stretch, or shake-it-out moment can help your body move some of that tension instead of storing it.

Peace is not only something you think.

Sometimes peace is something you practice with your body.

Take a breath.
Drink the water.
Eat something with actual nutrients.
Step outside.
Stretch your shoulders.
Go to bed earlier when you can.
Move your body without making it punishment.

You cannot neglect your body and expect your emotions to always behave.

7. Calm May Require Repair

Sometimes calm feels impossible because you already know something is off.

You reacted too strongly.
You avoided a hard conversation.
You were too sharp.
You said the thing.
You gave the look.
You shut down.
You made a decision from anger instead of wisdom.

That does not mean shame needs to take over.

It means repair may be required.

Ask:

Is repair needed here?

If yes, keep it simple.

“I was upset, but I should not have spoken that way.”

“I needed to correct the behavior, but I did not handle my tone well.”

“I am going to try that again with more calm.”

“I need a moment, but I will come back and address this.”

Repair helps you return to steadiness without pretending the rupture did not happen.

You do not have to be perfect.

But you do need to be honest.

A Simple Reset: STOP

S — Stop

Pause before you keep moving in the same direction.

T — Take Notice

What am I doing? What is my body doing? What story am I telling myself?

O — Observe the Next Step

Where am I going if I continue like this? What will happen next?

P — Proceed With Wisdom

What action aligns with my values? What response helps me stay steady?

This pause may not solve the whole problem.

But it can keep you from making the moment worse.

And sometimes that is the victory.

Try This

  • Take one breath before you answer.
  • Unclench your jaw.
  • Drop your shoulders.
  • Ask, “What am I doing right now?”
  • Ask, “Where am I going with this?”
  • Say, “I need a minute.”
  • Step away before you explode.
  • Drink water before you decide everything is hopeless.
  • Eat something before calling yourself unstable.
  • Lower your voice on purpose.
  • Correct the behavior without attacking the person.
  • Choose peace over proving your point.
  • Repair quickly when you react poorly.
  • Pray before you respond.
  • Do the next steady thing.

Final Thoughts

Calm is not always easy.

Some days calm feels impossible because you are tired, triggered, overwhelmed, under-supported, overstimulated, or running on fumes.

But even then, you can practice returning.

Return to your breath.
Return to your body.
Return to truth.
Return to wisdom.
Return to one small step.

You do not have to fix everything immediately.

Pause.
Notice.
Choose what is doable.
Take care of your body.
Watch your self-talk.
Model what you want to teach.
Repair when needed.
Protect your peace.

Find peace.

Be blessed.

— JB Simon

References

Duncan, L. G., Coatsworth, J. D., & Greenberg, M. T. (2009). A model of mindful parenting: Implications for parent–child relationships and prevention research. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 12, 255–270. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3

Shanker, S. G. (2013). Calm, alert and happy: What is self-regulation? York University. Queen’s Printer for Ontario.

Posted in Resources

FREE PRINTABLE

Posted on by JB Simon

The Cycle of Steadiness Framework is a simple, holistic guide to understanding how spiritual, physical, and mental wellness work together. This free printable is designed to help you reflect on the areas of your life that may need more care, balance, and attention. Download it, color it, journal with it, or keep it somewhere visible as a reminder that wellness is not about perfection—it is the ongoing practice of returning to steadiness. Join the JB Simon email list for more free printables, wellness reflections, parenting resources, journaling prompts, and updates from Console the Soul.

Posted in The Steady Life

The Cycle of Steadiness Framework

Posted on by JB Simon

A Holistic Wellness Perspective on Faith, Body, and Mind

There are many theories, models, and wellness frameworks available today. I encourage people to learn from research, evidence-based practices, and legitimate sources of knowledge. We should be thoughtful about what we believe, what we practice, and what we teach.

With that being said, the Cycle of Steadiness Framework is my own personal perspective. It is shaped by my life experience, my faith, my education, and the knowledge I have gained over time.

This framework is my way of explaining how balance is built.

The Cycle of Steadiness is a holistic wellness perspective that recognizes the connection between the spiritual self, the physical self, and the mental and emotional self. These parts of us are not separate. They influence one another. They build on one another. They move together in cycles, much like natural rhythms and moon phases.

For me, lasting wellness begins with spiritual foundation, grows through physical care, and flourishes through mental and emotional steadiness.

Phase One: Foundation — Spiritual Wellness

The foundation of the Cycle of Steadiness is spiritual wellness.

I understand that this may not be everyone’s perspective. Not everyone views wellness through a spiritual or biblical lens. However, for me, my walk with God and biblical teaching have been the foundation that kept me steady when everything else in life felt chaotic.

Spiritual wellness shapes the way I see life.

It filters my values, morals, decisions, relationships, and behaviors. Through Scripture, we find direction for how to live, how to treat others, how to care for our bodies, what to meditate on, and how to guard our minds.

Spiritual wellness includes:

  • Faith
  • Purpose
  • Values
  • Identity
  • Prayer
  • Scripture
  • Connection to God
  • Moral direction
  • Meaning and hope

When life feels unstable, spiritual grounding gives us something firm to return to. It reminds us who we are, what matters, and where our help comes from.

For me, spirituality is not simply one part of wellness. It is the base that supports everything else.

Where the Spiritual and Physical Connect

As we look deeper into spiritual practices, we often see how closely they connect with the body.

Prayer, meditation, worship, stillness, gratitude, and time spent with God can have a calming effect on the body and mind. Many people are interested in the science of meditation, nervous system regulation, grounding, and how time outdoors can affect our well-being.

I find this fascinating.

There is something powerful about slowing down, breathing deeply, walking outside, sitting in quiet, and becoming aware of the present moment. Whether someone describes that through faith, science, mindfulness, or nervous system health, the connection is worth noticing.

Spiritual practices do not only shape what we believe. They can also influence how we feel, how we respond to stress, and how we carry ourselves through difficult seasons.

Phase Two: Growth — Physical Wellness

The second phase of the Cycle of Steadiness is physical wellness.

Our bodies matter. We cannot ignore the physical self and expect to feel balanced. The way we sleep, eat, move, rest, and care for our health affects our ability to function emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and socially.

Physical wellness includes:

  • Sleep
  • Nutrition
  • Movement
  • Medical care
  • Preventive health
  • Hygiene
  • Self-care
  • Stress regulation
  • Nervous system health
  • Daily routines

Physical care is not about vanity. It is stewardship.

It is about having the strength, energy, and stability to live well. It is about caring for the body we have been given.

It is also important to do real research. Mainstream media does not always give us the full picture. Sometimes wisdom comes from opening a book, reading scholarly sources, learning from professionals, and listening to the elders who have lived through things we have only studied.

Nutrition is important, but movement is also one of the most practical ways we care for our health. Movement does not have to look the same for everyone. Some people enjoy dancing. Some enjoy walking. Some enjoy running. Some enjoy stretching. Some enjoy gardening, sports, yoga, or simple daily movement.

The point is not perfection.

The point is to move.

When we care for our physical health, we create better conditions for resilience, growth, and steadiness.

Phase Three: Flourishing — Mental and Emotional Wellness

At the top of the framework is mental and emotional wellness.

Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, cope, relate to others, make decisions, and interact with the reality around us.

Mental and emotional wellness includes:

  • Emotional awareness
  • Coping skills
  • Clear thinking
  • Healthy relationships
  • Self-reflection
  • Positive self-talk
  • Good decision-making
  • Resilience
  • Peace
  • Joy
  • Purposeful action
  • Alignment with values

When mental health is functioning well, we are better able to handle stress, recognize our capacity, work toward our potential, contribute to our communities, and maintain supportive relationships.

In simple terms, mental health affects how we cope, thrive, and interact with the world around us.

I have found that when my spiritual health and physical health are supported, my mental and emotional health functions better. That does not mean everything becomes easy. It does not mean struggles disappear. It means I have a stronger foundation to return to when life becomes difficult.

Good mental health takes time to develop. For many of us, it takes most of our lives to learn emotional skills, develop self-awareness, care for ourselves, and build healthy relationships.

Mental wellness is not just about feeling happy. It is about learning how to live with clarity, wisdom, emotional regulation, and actions that align with our values.

Why It Is a Cycle

The Cycle of Steadiness is not a straight line.

It is a cycle because spiritual, physical, and mental wellness constantly influence one another.

When our spiritual life is neglected, we may feel disconnected from purpose.

When our physical health is neglected, our emotions and thoughts may become harder to manage.

When our mental health is struggling, it may become harder to pray, move, rest, connect, or care for ourselves.

Everything is connected.

That is why this framework moves in a cycle. We return again and again to the same areas of wellness, growing deeper each time. Like moon phases, there are seasons of darkness, growth, fullness, and renewal. There are times when we feel rooted, times when we are growing, and times when we are flourishing.

And then life shifts, and we begin again.

That does not mean failure.

That means we are human.

Wellness is not about reaching a perfect state and staying there forever. Wellness is the ongoing practice of returning to steadiness.

The Heart of the Framework

The Cycle of Steadiness is built on this belief:

True wellness is built from the inside out.

We begin with foundation. We grow through care and discipline. We flourish through emotional awareness, clear thinking, healthy relationships, and purposeful living.

The three phases are:

Foundation — Spiritual Wellness
Faith, purpose, values, identity, and connection to God.

Growth — Physical Wellness
Sleep, nutrition, movement, preventive care, hygiene, stress regulation, and daily habits.

Flourishing — Mental and Emotional Wellness
Reflection, emotional awareness, resilience, peace, joy, clear thinking, and value-aligned living.

We need all three.

They build on one another.

They intertwine.

They help us return to steadiness.

Final Thoughts

This is my concept of holistic wellness. It is not meant to replace research, therapy, medical care, spiritual guidance, or evidence-based practices. Instead, it is a personal framework for understanding how different parts of our lives work together.

In future articles, I plan to go deeper into each part of the Cycle of Steadiness: spiritual wellness, physical wellness, and mental and emotional wellness.

For today, this is the overview.

Take care of your spirit.
Take care of your body.
Take care of your mind.

Return to steadiness.

I hope all is well.

Be blessed.

–JB

Posted in The Steady Life

The Steady Self Model

Posted on by JB Simon

Finding Balance Between Emotion and Logic

Life requires balance. We need emotion, but we cannot allow emotion to rule every decision. We need logic, but we cannot allow logic to become cold, rigid, or disconnected from the people around us.

The goal is not to become emotionless. The goal is not to become purely rational. The goal is to become steady.

The Steady Self Model is a way of understanding how we make decisions, respond to stress, and move through life with more wisdom and intention. It teaches that steadiness stands between two inner states: the Reactive Self and the Rational Self.

The Reactive Self is driven mainly by emotion.

The Rational Self is driven mainly by logic.

The Steady Self seeks balance, wisdom, faith, values, and clarity.

The Reactive Self

The Reactive Self is the part of us that responds quickly, emotionally, and sometimes impulsively.

This part of us may show up when we feel hurt, disrespected, rejected, overwhelmed, afraid, angry, or misunderstood. The Reactive Self is not always bad. Emotions are necessary. They give us information. They help us connect with others. They allow us to love, grieve, protect, celebrate, empathize, and build meaningful relationships.

Emotion is required in our relationships with spouses, parents, children, friends, and community. We are not meant to ignore feelings. We are not meant to dismiss sadness, anger, fear, joy, disappointment, or excitement. Emotions are part of being human.

However, emotions cannot be the ruler of every decision.

When emotion takes complete control, we may say things we do not mean, make choices we later regret, shut down, lash out, assume the worst, or act from fear instead of wisdom.

The Reactive Self says:

“I feel this, so it must be true.”

“I am upset, so I must act now.”

“I am hurt, so I must protect myself at any cost.”

“I am overwhelmed, so I cannot think clearly.”

Emotion matters, but emotion needs guidance.

The Rational Self

The Rational Self is the part of us that values logic, facts, planning, structure, and reason.

This part can be very helpful. Logic gives us direction. It helps us make decisions, solve problems, manage money, create routines, set boundaries, and think beyond the emotions of the moment.

Logic can bring steadiness when life feels chaotic.

However, logic also has limits.

If we rely only on logic, we may dismiss feelings that deserve attention. We may ignore the emotional needs of others. We may become too rigid, too detached, or too focused on being “right” instead of being connected.

This can be especially harmful in relationships.

People are not math problems. Families are not spreadsheets. Love does not always fit neatly into a checklist. Sometimes we must allow the feelings of others to influence our decisions. Their emotions may not dictate every choice, but they should be considered.

The Rational Self says:

“This makes sense, so it must be right.”

“Feelings are not important.”

“I made the logical choice, so no one should be upset.”

“I do not need to explain myself because the facts are clear.”

Logic matters, but logic needs compassion.

The Steady Self

The Steady Self stands between emotion and logic.

The Steady Self does not reject emotion. It listens to emotion.

The Steady Self does not reject logic. It uses logic.

But the Steady Self allows neither one to rule alone.

The Steady Self asks:

“Am I making this decision in balance?”

“Am I responding from wisdom or from reaction?”

“Am I considering both facts and feelings?”

“Is this choice aligned with my values?”

“Does this decision reflect the person I am trying to become?”

This is the goal of steadiness. It is not perfection. It is the ongoing practice of pausing, reflecting, and choosing with intention.

Why Steadiness Matters

The Steady Self can be used in many areas of life.

In relationships, it helps us communicate without attacking, listen without shutting down, and set boundaries without becoming cruel.

In parenting, it helps us correct behavior without reacting from anger or embarrassment.

In finances, it helps us avoid impulsive decisions while still making room for needs, values, and long-term goals.

In work, it helps us handle pressure without becoming overwhelmed or disconnected.

In spiritual life, it helps us respond with faith instead of fear.

Most of us naturally lean one way or the other. Some people lean more emotional. Others lean more logical. Personally, based on my own personality and tendencies, I often lean more toward logic. I have to remind myself to consider the emotional side of things. How do other people feel? How do I feel? What is happening beneath the surface?

Seeking balance requires reflection.

It requires humility.

It requires self-monitoring.

Self-monitoring can go a long way. We cannot always control what we feel, but we can learn to notice what is happening within us before we act. We can pause before responding. We can ask better questions. We can choose steadiness, even when it is difficult.

A Simple Steady Self Check-In

Before making a decision or responding in a difficult moment, ask yourself:

  1. What am I feeling right now?
  2. What are the facts?
  3. What do my values say?
  4. Who could be impacted by my response?
  5. Am I reacting, overthinking, or responding with steadiness?
  6. What choice helps me remain calm, balanced, and aligned?

This does not mean every decision will be easy. Steadiness is often difficult to reach and even harder to maintain. But it is worth practicing.

The Steady Self reminds us that we do not have to be controlled by every feeling, and we do not have to hide behind logic. We can be thoughtful and compassionate. We can be wise and emotionally aware. We can be firm and loving. We can be calm without being cold.

Final Thoughts

The Steady Self Model encourages us to move through life with balance.

Emotion is necessary.

Logic is necessary.

But steadiness is the goal.

As you continue growing, I encourage you to seek steadiness in your relationships, your finances, your parenting, your work, your faith, and your personal decisions.

Ask yourself often:

“Am I choosing from my Steady Self?”

Be calm.
Be balanced.
Stay steady.

JB Simon
Wellness & Resilience Educator
Creator of the Cycle of Steadiness Framework

Posted in Purposeful Parenting

Connection Before Correction:

Posted on by JB Simon

Building Cooperation Through Quality Time

Establishing rapport does not apply only to psychology and therapy. Rapport is important in every relationship, especially when raising children. We must first build a connection if we hope to have a positive influence.

It is difficult to deeply respect, listen to, and care about someone you do not truly know. That applies to children as well as adults.

Ask yourself:

How am I showing up for my child?

In what parts of their life am I genuinely present?

Am I present only for performances, achievements, and other visible moments? Do I show up mainly to discipline them or correct their mistakes? Is my relationship with them limited to providing necessities such as food, clothing, and shelter?

Or do I truly know my child?

What is their favorite color? Who are their friends? What do they enjoy doing? What makes them laugh? What do they worry about most?

Do you say, “I love you”? Do you spend meaningful time together? Do you hold hands, sit beside one another, talk, laugh, or simply enjoy being in the same room?

Connection Is the Foundation

We have all seen cheerleading performances, whether in person or in movies. Some of the most impressive routines include tumbling, lifts, and human pyramids.

For the pyramid to remain standing, the people at the bottom must be steady. Their balance, strength, and reliability allow everyone else to climb into position. If one person loses their footing, has a moment of weakness, or even sneezes at the wrong time, the entire pyramid can come crashing down.

The foundation of the parenting pyramid is connection.

A more traditional metaphor would be building a house on a firm foundation rather than on sand. We could also think about how every stone in a pyramid must be properly aligned so that the layers above it remain secure.

However we describe it, the lesson is the same: what we build on matters.

But how do we connect with children who are defiant, oppositional, distracted, indifferent, unwilling to follow instructions, or determined not to be bothered?

1. Stop Pushing and Start Pulling

Corrosive behaviors can cause other people to avoid us, retaliate, shut down, or act out. Constant criticism, yelling, shaming, threatening, and arguing may produce temporary compliance, but they often weaken the relationship.

Instead of trying to push a child into cooperation through force, begin pulling them closer through patience, curiosity, and consistent care.

This does not mean removing boundaries or allowing inappropriate behavior. It means correcting behavior without attacking the child’s character or damaging the relationship.

2. Remember That Effort Creates Access

Effort creates access in most relationships.

We demonstrate effort by showing up, becoming a positive contributor to someone’s life, and welcoming them into our own. The more healthy effort we invest, the more access we may gain to that person’s thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes, and deepest self.

Here is an unpopular but necessary truth: parents do not automatically gain complete emotional access to their children simply because they are their parents.

Trust must be earned and maintained.

Your child needs to trust that you are reliable. They need to trust your judgment and confidence. They need to know that you will listen without immediately criticizing them. Most importantly, they need to trust that you will continue loving them despite their mistakes, weaknesses, and flaws.

Connection takes work.

3. Connect Through Quality Time

Quality time does not have to be expensive, elaborate, or perfectly planned.

Set a date to have dinner without devices. Go to the park. Play a board game. Cook a meal together. Take a walk. Watch a favorite movie. Sit outside and talk. Participate in something your child already enjoys.

Allow them to teach you about their interests, even when those interests are not naturally exciting to you.

A child is often more willing to cooperate with an adult they share an emotional connection with than with someone who relies only on authority.

Children still need leadership, rules, and correction. However, discipline is usually more effective when it grows from a relationship built on safety and trust.

Connection is strengthened when we show up.

Connection is strengthened when we remain present.

Connection is strengthened when effort is consistently given.

Connection is strengthened when we demonstrate love through patience, kind words, encouragement, affection, and a calm, steady presence.

Be the leader and the model. Take the initiative. Show patience. Verbalize your feelings in healthy ways. Pursue connection, even when your child does not immediately respond.

Correction may address the behavior in front of you, but connection helps shape the relationship beneath it.

Be blessed.
Stay hopeful.
Be positive.
Parent with purpose.

Posted in Purposeful Parenting

The Parent Within the Parent

Posted on by JB Simon

Showing up when you were never shown how

By JB Simon

Some parents are not lazy.

Some parents are not careless.

Some parents are not cold, selfish, or uninterested.

Some parents are barely functioning while wearing a very convincing mask.

A mask of productivity.

A mask of calm.

A mask of generosity.

A mask of “I’m fine.”

A mask of “I’ve got it.”

A mask of “Nothing bothers me.”

But underneath that mask may be depression, exhaustion, low self-worth, old trauma, poor emotional regulation, anger, sadness, grief, resentment, or a deep sense of not knowing how to do this parenting thing in a healthy way.

This article is for the parent who did not have a good model of parenting.

This is for the adult child of emotionally immature parents.

This is for the parent who grew up around substance use, alcoholism, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, criticism, chaos, silence, or inconsistency.

This is for the parent who wants to raise children differently but still feels the weight of the past showing up in the present.

Because let us be honest.

Parenting will expose what we have hidden.

When You Were Never Shown How

Some people grew up in homes where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, or treated like a burden.

Some grew up with parents who were emotionally unpredictable.

Some grew up with parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable.

Some grew up in homes where addiction or alcoholism made everything unstable.

Some grew up learning to stay quiet, stay small, stay useful, stay out of the way, or stay responsible for everybody else’s emotions.

Then adulthood comes.

Then parenting comes.

And suddenly you are expected to give children things you may have never received consistently:

Praise.

Patience.

Affection.

Clear instructions.

Healthy correction.

Emotional safety.

Calm leadership.

A listening ear.

Repair after conflict.

That is not simple.

It is possible, but it is not simple.

Dobrić and Patrić (2024) describe emotionally immature parents as often self-focused, emotionally unavailable, limited in empathy, uncomfortable with genuine emotion, and unable to respond appropriately to their children’s emotional needs. They also describe four general types: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting parents.

The names may vary, but the experience is familiar to many people.

One parent explodes.

One parent controls.

One parent disappears.

One parent rejects.

And the child learns to survive.

But survival skills are not always parenting skills.

What the Past Can Leave Behind

Unhealed emotional damage does not always show up as obvious dysfunction.

Sometimes it looks like overworking.

Sometimes it looks like being “the strong one.”

Sometimes it looks like never asking for help.

Sometimes it looks like sarcasm.

Sometimes it looks like impatience.

Sometimes it looks like being generous to everyone while being emotionally unavailable at home.

Sometimes it looks like controlling everything because unpredictability feels unsafe.

Sometimes it looks like shutting down because emotions feel too big.

For parents, this can show up as:

  • trouble connecting with children
  • difficulty giving praise
  • discomfort with affection
  • low empathy during conflict
  • anger problems
  • sadness or emotional numbness
  • harsh self-talk
  • yelling when overwhelmed
  • avoiding discipline because conflict feels unsafe
  • being too strict because mistakes feel threatening
  • difficulty saying “I was wrong”
  • not knowing how to talk about feelings
  • expecting children to manage adult emotions

And here is the hard truth:

Your children cannot heal you.

They cannot make the past make sense.

They cannot make your parents apologize.

They cannot fix your loneliness.

They cannot replace what you did not receive.

They are children.

They need you to be the adult.

That does not mean you have to be perfect. It means you have to become aware.

Stress Brings the Hidden Things to the Surface

Many people function well until stress hits.

Then the old symptoms start bubbling up.

The child talks back, and suddenly you feel disrespected in a way that feels bigger than the moment.

The child cries, and you feel irritated because crying was not allowed when you were young.

The child makes a mistake, and you hear your parent’s voice coming out of your own mouth.

The child needs comfort, and you freeze because comfort was never modeled for you.

The child refuses to listen, and your body responds like you are losing control.

This is where parenting becomes more than behavior management.

It becomes self-awareness.

It becomes emotional maintenance.

It becomes cycle-breaking.

Research on children of depressed parents shows that parental depression is associated with increased risk for depression in children. Loechner and colleagues (2020) discuss several possible pathways, including emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting, and stressful life events. In their study, children of depressed parents showed more depression and general mental health symptoms, fewer adaptive emotion regulation strategies, fewer positive parenting experiences, and fewer positive life events.

That does not mean a struggling parent is doomed to harm their child.

It means the work matters.

It means our emotional health matters.

It means our daily patterns matter.

It means how we respond, repair, and seek support matters.

The Coffee Pot Reset

Let us talk coffee.

Nobody wants old coffee.

You cannot pour fresh water over the same old grounds and expect a good cup.

You might get something in the mug, but it will not have the same flavor, strength, or quality.

And if you leave old grounds sitting too long?

Yuck.

Same with emotions.

You cannot keep pouring today’s responsibilities over yesterday’s bitterness, last week’s shame, childhood wounds, unspoken resentment, and old anger and expect to serve your family something fresh.

At some point, you have to clean the pot.

You need fresh water.

You need new grounds.

You need to reset.

Now, maybe I am going too far into the coffee ministry, but stay with me.

Parents need a daily emotional reset.

Not because you are weak.

Because you are human.

Yesterday’s stress cannot be the foundation for today’s parenting.

Yesterday’s shame cannot lead today’s correction.

Yesterday’s rage cannot write today’s rules.

Yesterday’s pain cannot be allowed to raise today’s child.

So ask yourself:

Am I brewing something fresh today?

Or am I reheating old emotional sludge and calling it parenting?

Let’s Face It: You May Have More Work to Do

This is not an insult.

It is an honest acknowledgment.

Some parents have more work to do because they were handed more to overcome.

I grew up with both of my parents. I saw a stable relationship. I did not grow up witnessing domestic violence. I saw examples of affection and commitment.

And still, I have struggled with assertiveness, communication, decision-making, and choosing healthy relationships.

So I cannot imagine the work required for someone who had to dig themselves out of chaos, addiction, emotional neglect, abuse, or a false picture of what “healthy” even means.

Some people are learning the skill while trying to teach the skill.

Learning patience while trying to model patience.

Learning emotional expression while trying to help a child name feelings.

Learning healthy discipline while trying not to repeat harshness.

Learning boundaries while family members accuse them of acting different.

That is a lot.

But new does not always feel welcome.

Even new and better can feel threatening to people who are used to dysfunction.

When you start changing, some people may say:

“You think you’re better now?”

“All of a sudden, you want to act different?”

“Oh, now you don’t want to be around us?”

“You weren’t raised like that.”

“You’re being soft.”

“You’re doing too much.”

Let them talk.

Dig in anyway.

New behaviors and new ideas may not be welcome, but they may be necessary.

You are not trying to fix everybody.

You are trying to become a healthier parent.

That alone is enough work.

The Goal Is Not to Become Perfect

The goal is not to never get angry.

The goal is not to never feel triggered.

The goal is not to erase the past.

The goal is not to be the parent who always knows exactly what to say.

The goal is to notice.

Pause.

Repair.

Practice.

Try again.

Purposeful Parenting is not about pretending the parent has no wounds. It is about refusing to let those wounds lead the household.

Children need parents who are willing to grow.

They need parents who can say:

“I handled that wrong.”

“I should not have yelled.”

“Let me try that again.”

“That was not your fault.”

“I am working on how I respond.”

“I love you, even when I correct you.”

That kind of repair matters.

Go Back to the Basics

When life feels overwhelming, go back to the basics.

Do not overcomplicate it.

Start with the basics from Purposeful Parenting.

1. Ground Rules

Children need clear expectations.

State the obvious anyway.

“No running in the house. Please walk.”

“Use respectful words.”

“Keep your hands to yourself.”

“Chores before screen time.”

Common sense still needs teaching.

2. Clear, Calm Instructions

Say what needs to happen.

Keep it brief.

Use a steady voice.

Do not lecture, insult, shame, or argue.

Try:

“Put your shoes by the door.”

“Turn off the tablet.”

“Use a respectful voice.”

“Try again.”

3. Consequences

Consequences teach that choices have outcomes.

They should be clear, reasonable, and connected when possible.

If a toy is thrown, the toy can be removed.

If a mess is made, the child helps clean it.

If a privilege is misused, the privilege is limited.

Discipline should teach, not just punish.

4. Praise

This one may feel strange if you were raised without much praise.

Praise the behavior you want to see more of.

Say:

“You followed directions the first time.”

“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”

“You told the truth even though it was hard.”

“You helped without being asked.”

Children need to know what they are doing well.

5. Connection

Spend real time with your child.

Not perfect time.

Not expensive time.

Real time.

Ask what they like.

Ask what feels hard.

Ask what made them laugh.

Ask what they are thinking about.

Be curious.

This is a whole human being in front of you.

How Do We Not Break Our Kids?

We show up.

We do our best.

We get support.

We reflect.

We repair.

We learn new skills.

We stop pretending that surviving childhood automatically prepared us for healthy parenting.

We stop using culture, tradition, pain, or pride as excuses for harm.

We stop trying to prove we are in charge and start asking what our children need to learn.

We stop serving old coffee.

We reset.

Again and again.

Smith and colleagues (2014), building on Gerald Patterson’s coercion theory, describe how repeated coercive parent-child interactions can amplify children’s noncompliance and contribute to later behavior concerns. In plain language, when parents and children repeatedly escalate, argue, threaten, resist, and give in, everybody can accidentally learn that pressure works.

That is why calm leadership matters.

That is why consistency matters.

That is why connection matters.

That is why the parent’s emotional reset matters.

A Daily Reset for the Purposeful Parent

Try this daily reset:

Wash the Pot

Ask:

“What am I carrying today?”

Name it honestly.

Anger.

Grief.

Fatigue.

Fear.

Shame.

Loneliness.

Overwhelm.

Add Fresh Water

Take care of the body.

Drink water.

Eat something real.

Breathe.

Step outside.

Rest when possible.

You cannot regulate well while running on fumes.

Use New Grounds

Choose one parenting skill to practice today.

One.

Not twelve.

Maybe today’s skill is praise.

Maybe it is lowering your voice.

Maybe it is giving one clear instruction.

Maybe it is apologizing when needed.

Brew Slowly

Do not rush into every correction.

Pause before speaking.

Lower your tone.

Use fewer words.

You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.

Serve What Is Healthy

Before responding, ask:

“Will this teach what I want my child to learn?”

If the answer is no, reset.

Try again.

Final Word

If you are still reading, that is evidence.

Evidence that you care.

Evidence that you want change.

Evidence that something in you is willing to grow.

You may have come from emotional immaturity, addiction, depression, trauma, chaos, silence, or pain.

But you are not powerless.

You can learn.

You can reflect.

You can seek help.

You can practice new skills.

You can end cycles.

You can build something healthier in your home.

Not perfectly.

Purposefully.

Fill your cup so you can pour into others.

Clean the pot.

Start fresh.

Show up daily.

Be blessed.

References

Dobrić, T., & Patrić, A. (2024). The hidden face of parenting: Emotional immaturity. SCIENCE International Journal, 3(1), 145–148. https://doi.org/10.35120/sciencej0301145d

Loechner, J., Sfärlea, A., Starman, K., Oort, F., Thomsen, L. A., Schulte-Körne, G., & Platt, B. (2020). Risk of depression in the offspring of parents with depression: The role of emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting and life events. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 51, 294–309. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-019-00930-4

Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4 Pt 1), 917–932. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000169

Author’s Note: This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for grammar, clarity, structure, and flow. The ideas, voice, and professional perspective are the author’s own.

Educational Notice: This article is for general wellness and parenting education. It is not a substitute for individualized mental health, medical, legal, or crisis support.

Posted in Purposeful Parenting

Purposeful Parenting Basics:

Posted on by JB Simon

Ground Rules, Consequences, and Rewards

Teach what is healthy. Reinforce what is good. Correct with purpose.

There are a few basics in parenting that sound simple because they are simple.

Ground rules.
Consequences.
Rewards.
Praise.
Consistency.

Yes, some of this may seem obvious. Yes, maybe children “should already know better.” Yes, maybe it feels ridiculous to state things that seem like common sense.

But we are going to state the obvious anyway.

Why?

Because parenting is teaching.

Children need roles. They need boundaries. They need structure. They need to know what is expected, what is not allowed, and what happens when a rule is broken.

They also need to know what they are doing well.

Above all else, be positive and give praise.

This is not just a cute parenting phrase. This is science. Behavior that gets reinforced is more likely to happen again. If you want to see more cooperation, honesty, kindness, responsibility, and self-control, then you must notice those behaviors and respond to them.

Not just the bad.

Not just the mistakes.

Not just the moments when you are irritated.

The good needs attention too.

What Is a Ground Rule?

A ground rule is a clear expectation for behavior in the home.

It tells the child what is allowed, what is not allowed, and how family members are expected to treat one another.

A good ground rule should be:

  • clear
  • simple
  • age-appropriate
  • easy to remember
  • stated positively when possible
  • connected to a consequence if broken

For example:

Instead of saying, “Stop acting wild,” say:

“No running in the house. Please walk.”

Instead of saying, “Quit being rude,” say:

“Use respectful words.”

Instead of saying, “Stop touching everything,” say:

“Keep your hands to yourself.”

The goal is to tell the child what to do, not only what not to do.

How Many Ground Rules Should You Have?

Keep it simple.

For most homes, start with about three to five ground rules.

Too many rules become noise. Children stop listening because everything feels equally important. Choose the rules that matter most for safety, respect, responsibility, and peace in the home.

Examples may include:

  1. Use respectful words.
  2. Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
  3. Follow instructions the first time.
  4. Take care of your responsibilities before play.
  5. Respect people, property, and personal space.

You can adjust these depending on the age of the child and the needs of the household.

A toddler may need rules like:

“Gentle hands.”
“Walking feet.”
“Toys stay on the floor.”

A teenager may need rules like:

“Communicate where you are.”
“Complete responsibilities before privileges.”
“Speak respectfully, even when frustrated.”

The words may change, but the purpose remains the same.

Teach what is healthy.

Repeat the Rule Without Climbing the Ladder

When a rule is broken, restate the rule calmly.

Not with a speech.

Not with sarcasm.

Not with humiliation.

Not with a full family court hearing in the kitchen.

Just restate the rule.

“Our rule is no running in the house. Please walk.”

“Our rule is respectful words. Try again.”

“Our rule is chores before screen time. Finish your chore first.”

This teaches children to follow instructions. It also teaches them how to handle frustration and disappointment in a healthy way.

A child will not always like the rule.

That is okay.

A child may feel disappointed.

That is okay.

A child may need help learning how to be upset without becoming disrespectful, aggressive, or destructive.

That is part of the teaching.

Children Are Not Supposed to Be Perfect

Some adults have very little tolerance for mistakes.

A child spills something, and it becomes a character flaw.

A child forgets something, and suddenly they are “lazy.”

A child talks back, and now they are “bad.”

Be careful.

Do not impress upon your child that mistakes mean something is wrong with them.

Do not teach them that they must be perfect all the time to be acceptable.

Let us be for real.

That is not human.

Yes, we should teach values.

Yes, we should teach respect.

Yes, we should teach responsibility.

Yes, we should expect children to improve.

But we should also teach reality.

Human beings make mistakes. Human beings get frustrated. Human beings struggle with selfishness, laziness, anger, jealousy, fear, and impatience. Children are not born knowing how to manage all of that.

They have to be taught.

The goal is not to raise a child who never struggles.

The goal is to model positive behavior, positive thinking, responsibility, repair, and perseverance despite disappointments.

Consequences Matter

Consequences are a whole rabbit hole, but let us start at the surface.

There must be consequences for misbehavior.

A home without consequences teaches children that rules are optional.

However, consequences should be appropriate for the child, the behavior, the situation, and the values of the home.

A consequence should not simply be an emotional reaction from the parent.

It should teach something.

It should connect to responsibility.

It should help the child understand that choices have outcomes.

Examples:

  • If a child throws a toy, the toy is removed for a period of time.
  • If a child makes a mess on purpose, the child helps clean it.
  • If a child misuses screen time, screen time is limited.
  • If a child hurts someone, they must stop, calm down, and repair what they can.
  • If a child refuses a responsibility, a privilege may wait until the responsibility is completed.

Consequences should be clear, calm, and consistent.

Not random.

Not excessive.

Not based on how angry the parent feels in the moment.

Old School Parenting: The Good and the Problematic

I was raised in the South and around a very old-school parenting mindset.

There are some good things in old-school parenting.

Firmness can be good.

Structure can be good.

Respect can be good.

Consistent follow-through can be good.

Children do need to understand that adults are not their peers. They do need to follow reasonable instructions. They do need to learn that there is a time and place for certain conversations.

But there are also problems.

You cannot whip, spank, or beat a child for every single thing that goes wrong.

Every mistake does not need the harshest response.

Every behavior does not require physical discipline.

Before using physical discipline, a parent should ask some serious questions:

  • Am I doing this because it is truly needed, or because I want to release my anger?
  • Has this actually been effective with consistent results?
  • Has this created a barrier between me and my child in the area of trust and safety?
  • Am I prone to high emotions, rage, or losing control?
  • Am I teaching responsibility, or am I simply making my child afraid of me?

That is an honest conversation every parent needs to have with themselves.

Discipline should not be about revenge.

It should not be about embarrassment.

It should not be about proving power.

It should be about teaching.

Rewards Are Not Bribes

Some people hear the word “reward” and immediately reject it.

They say:

“I’m not thanking a child for doing what they were supposed to do.”

I understand that mindset.

Many of us were raised hearing:

“Do as you’re told.”
“Nobody asked what you think.”
“Stay out of grown folks’ conversation.”
“You don’t get praised for responsibility.”

And yes, children should learn responsibility.

But praise is not the enemy of responsibility.

Praise helps children know what they are doing well.

Praise reinforces the behavior you want to see more of.

Praise builds connection.

Praise helps a child internalize, “I am capable of doing good. I can make wise choices. My effort matters.”

A reward does not always have to be candy, money, toys, or screen time.

Sometimes the reward is:

  • attention
  • praise
  • a smile
  • a hug
  • extra time together
  • choosing dinner
  • picking the family movie
  • staying up 15 minutes later
  • a small privilege
  • hearing, “I noticed that, and I’m proud of you.”

That matters.

Give Specific Praise

Do not only say, “Good job.”

Be specific.

Try:

“I noticed you helped your brother without being asked.”

“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”

“You followed directions the first time.”

“You told the truth even though it was hard.”

“You accepted no without continuing to argue.”

“You cleaned that up responsibly.”

Specific praise tells the child exactly what behavior to repeat.

It also teaches them that good behavior gets noticed too.

If the only time a child receives attention is when they are misbehaving, do not be surprised when misbehavior becomes loud.

Notice the good.

Reinforce the good.

Praise the good.

Spend Real Time With Your Child

Connection is also part of discipline.

Spend at least 15 consecutive minutes with your child when you can.

Not half-listening while scrolling.

Not asking questions while rushing.

Not giving instructions from another room.

Real attention.

Ask them:

  • What are you into right now?
  • What was good about your day?
  • What was hard today?
  • What feels fun to you?
  • What has been bothering you?
  • What do you wish adults understood better?

Be genuine.

Be curious.

This is a whole human being.

Your child has thoughts, feelings, interests, opinions, fears, and ideas. Just like you have your own personality, they have theirs.

In the early years, many children want to know you. They want to share with you. They want your attention and approval.

Use that time wisely.

Build the relationship before you need to correct the behavior.

Watch What Your Words Teach

Adults often remember criticism.

We remember the comments people made about our work, our body, our intelligence, our attitude, our mistakes, or our personality.

Children remember too.

They can internalize the negative things parents say about them.

So be mindful.

Correct behavior, but do not attack identity.

Say:

“That choice was not okay.”

Not:

“You are bad.”

Say:

“You need to redo this.”

Not:

“You never do anything right.”

Say:

“Use respectful words.”

Not:

“You are so disrespectful.”

There is a difference.

Correction should guide the child, not crush them.

The Basics Still Work

Ground rules give structure.

Consequences teach responsibility.

Rewards and praise reinforce positive behavior.

Connection strengthens the relationship.

Consistency builds trust.

None of this has to be complicated.

Set the rule.

Teach the rule.

Repeat the rule.

Follow through when the rule is broken.

Praise the behavior you want to see again.

Spend real time with your child.

Model the values you expect.

And remember:

Children do not need perfect parents.

They need purposeful ones.

— JB Simon

Posted in Purposeful Parenting

Get Off the Escalation Ladder

Posted on by JB Simon

A Purposeful Parenting Perspective

King Solomon once said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”

That certainly applies to parenting.

Family conflict, child compliance, power struggles, and finding balance in the home are not new problems. In fact, behavioral psychologist Gerald Patterson spent years researching what he called the coercive cycle in parenting.

Today, I would like to talk about a common experience many parents know all too well.

A child asks.

Then asks again.

Then asks again.

Then nags.

Then complains.

Then begs.

Then gets louder.

Eventually, the parent becomes exhausted and gives in.

Up and up and up the ladder they climb until somebody folds.

But children are not the only ones guilty of climbing the ladder.

Parents do it too.

Parents repeat themselves over and over. They nag. They complain. They raise their voices. They threaten consequences they may or may not enforce. Eventually, the child complies—not because they have learned responsibility, but because the pressure became too uncomfortable.

Of course, it is often wrapped in a nice parenting package with a bow on top:

“I’m going to count to three.”

“Well, you didn’t listen when I asked nicely, so now I have to yell.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?”

Today, we’re talking about The Escalation Ladder.

And for the sake of all mankind…

Please get off the ladder.

This article is for the parent reading it—the leader of the household. The person responsible for setting the tone. The person modeling the behavior they want to see.

So yes, I’m talking to you.

We’re going to do something that may feel unnatural.

We’re going to combine a little research with a little Scripture.

As Proverbs reminds us:

“A soft answer turns away wrath.”

1. Give Clear and Calm Instructions

Clear and calm instructions are easier to hear and easier to understand.

If necessary, repeat yourself once.

Be patient and communicate exactly what needs to happen.

Instead of:

“Don’t be silly.”

“Don’t be stupid.”

“What would your friends think if they saw this?”

Try giving direct instructions that tell the child what to do.

Also, do not overload them with directions.

Let’s be honest. We live in a generation with shortened attention spans.

This:

“Go brush your teeth and wash your face.”

Is much easier to follow than:

“Brush your teeth, wash your face, get dressed, pack your backpack, hurry up, find your shoes, and get in the car because we’re late.”

Tone matters.

A tone of sarcasm, disappointment, irritation, or contempt can turn even polite words into verbal hot sauce.

If you’re struggling with emotional control, I have a simple suggestion:

Use the robot voice.

Seriously.

Slow down.

Lower your volume.

Speak plainly.

Remove the emotional seasoning.

2. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So You Stay in Control

Many of us struggle in the patience department.

Maybe our parents did not model patience for us.

Maybe they did not give us compassion, understanding, or a listening ear.

Now here we are, trying to figure out the balance between raising respectful children and maintaining peace in our homes.

We’re all learning.

But there are some things that should be non-negotiable:

  • No yelling
  • No belittling
  • No sarcasm
  • No humiliation
  • No talking down to children

If you’ve already given the instruction, you do not need approval.

You do not need agreement.

You do not need to make your point one more time.

Your role is to communicate clearly—not to win a debate.

The more emotionally regulated you are, the more effective you become.

3. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So Expectations Are Established

Children need to know what is expected.

Every home needs ground rules.

I often hear parents say:

“That should be common sense.”

Maybe.

But if it were common sense, they probably would not be arguing, swearing, hitting, or ignoring instructions.

Ground rules create clarity.

They establish what is okay and what is not okay.

Keep them simple.

Focus on the behaviors you want to reinforce.

Examples:

  • Keep your hands to yourself.
  • Use kind words.
  • Follow instructions.
  • Finish your chores.
  • Work first, play later.
  • Tell the truth.
  • Respect people and property.

Personalize them to fit your family.

Most importantly, follow them yourself.

Children learn far more from what we model than what we lecture.

Ground rules also provide a foundation for consequences.

For example:

“You chose not to follow the ground rule about finishing chores before screen time. As a result, there will be no screen time this afternoon.”

Notice the difference.

No yelling.

No speeches.

No escalation.

Just a clear expectation followed by a clear consequence.

That’s a completely different rabbit hole for another article, but it is worth considering:

Are there clear consequences in your home?

Are they connected to the behavior?

Do you consistently follow through?

Those questions matter.

Final Thoughts

The next time you find yourself climbing the escalation ladder, pause.

Take a breath.

Lower your voice.

Give the instruction.

Repeat it once if necessary.

Then stop climbing.

Remember:

Clear.

Calm.

Consistent.

Children need leaders more than they need lecturers.

And sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is say less.

Take care.



**Author’s Note:** This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for clarity and structure.