Showing up when you were never shown how
By JB Simon
Some parents are not lazy.
Some parents are not careless.
Some parents are not cold, selfish, or uninterested.
Some parents are barely functioning while wearing a very convincing mask.
A mask of productivity.
A mask of calm.
A mask of generosity.
A mask of “I’m fine.”
A mask of “I’ve got it.”
A mask of “Nothing bothers me.”
But underneath that mask may be depression, exhaustion, low self-worth, old trauma, poor emotional regulation, anger, sadness, grief, resentment, or a deep sense of not knowing how to do this parenting thing in a healthy way.
This article is for the parent who did not have a good model of parenting.
This is for the adult child of emotionally immature parents.
This is for the parent who grew up around substance use, alcoholism, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, criticism, chaos, silence, or inconsistency.
This is for the parent who wants to raise children differently but still feels the weight of the past showing up in the present.
Because let us be honest.
Parenting will expose what we have hidden.
When You Were Never Shown How
Some people grew up in homes where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, or treated like a burden.
Some grew up with parents who were emotionally unpredictable.
Some grew up with parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable.
Some grew up in homes where addiction or alcoholism made everything unstable.
Some grew up learning to stay quiet, stay small, stay useful, stay out of the way, or stay responsible for everybody else’s emotions.
Then adulthood comes.
Then parenting comes.
And suddenly you are expected to give children things you may have never received consistently:
Praise.
Patience.
Affection.
Clear instructions.
Healthy correction.
Emotional safety.
Calm leadership.
A listening ear.
Repair after conflict.
That is not simple.
It is possible, but it is not simple.
Dobrić and Patrić (2024) describe emotionally immature parents as often self-focused, emotionally unavailable, limited in empathy, uncomfortable with genuine emotion, and unable to respond appropriately to their children’s emotional needs. They also describe four general types: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting parents.
The names may vary, but the experience is familiar to many people.
One parent explodes.
One parent controls.
One parent disappears.
One parent rejects.
And the child learns to survive.
But survival skills are not always parenting skills.
What the Past Can Leave Behind
Unhealed emotional damage does not always show up as obvious dysfunction.
Sometimes it looks like overworking.
Sometimes it looks like being “the strong one.”
Sometimes it looks like never asking for help.
Sometimes it looks like sarcasm.
Sometimes it looks like impatience.
Sometimes it looks like being generous to everyone while being emotionally unavailable at home.
Sometimes it looks like controlling everything because unpredictability feels unsafe.
Sometimes it looks like shutting down because emotions feel too big.
For parents, this can show up as:
- trouble connecting with children
- difficulty giving praise
- discomfort with affection
- low empathy during conflict
- anger problems
- sadness or emotional numbness
- harsh self-talk
- yelling when overwhelmed
- avoiding discipline because conflict feels unsafe
- being too strict because mistakes feel threatening
- difficulty saying “I was wrong”
- not knowing how to talk about feelings
- expecting children to manage adult emotions
And here is the hard truth:
Your children cannot heal you.
They cannot make the past make sense.
They cannot make your parents apologize.
They cannot fix your loneliness.
They cannot replace what you did not receive.
They are children.
They need you to be the adult.
That does not mean you have to be perfect. It means you have to become aware.
Stress Brings the Hidden Things to the Surface
Many people function well until stress hits.
Then the old symptoms start bubbling up.
The child talks back, and suddenly you feel disrespected in a way that feels bigger than the moment.
The child cries, and you feel irritated because crying was not allowed when you were young.
The child makes a mistake, and you hear your parent’s voice coming out of your own mouth.
The child needs comfort, and you freeze because comfort was never modeled for you.
The child refuses to listen, and your body responds like you are losing control.
This is where parenting becomes more than behavior management.
It becomes self-awareness.
It becomes emotional maintenance.
It becomes cycle-breaking.
Research on children of depressed parents shows that parental depression is associated with increased risk for depression in children. Loechner and colleagues (2020) discuss several possible pathways, including emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting, and stressful life events. In their study, children of depressed parents showed more depression and general mental health symptoms, fewer adaptive emotion regulation strategies, fewer positive parenting experiences, and fewer positive life events.
That does not mean a struggling parent is doomed to harm their child.
It means the work matters.
It means our emotional health matters.
It means our daily patterns matter.
It means how we respond, repair, and seek support matters.
The Coffee Pot Reset
Let us talk coffee.
Nobody wants old coffee.
You cannot pour fresh water over the same old grounds and expect a good cup.
You might get something in the mug, but it will not have the same flavor, strength, or quality.
And if you leave old grounds sitting too long?
Yuck.
Same with emotions.
You cannot keep pouring today’s responsibilities over yesterday’s bitterness, last week’s shame, childhood wounds, unspoken resentment, and old anger and expect to serve your family something fresh.
At some point, you have to clean the pot.
You need fresh water.
You need new grounds.
You need to reset.
Now, maybe I am going too far into the coffee ministry, but stay with me.
Parents need a daily emotional reset.
Not because you are weak.
Because you are human.
Yesterday’s stress cannot be the foundation for today’s parenting.
Yesterday’s shame cannot lead today’s correction.
Yesterday’s rage cannot write today’s rules.
Yesterday’s pain cannot be allowed to raise today’s child.
So ask yourself:
Am I brewing something fresh today?
Or am I reheating old emotional sludge and calling it parenting?
Let’s Face It: You May Have More Work to Do
This is not an insult.
It is an honest acknowledgment.
Some parents have more work to do because they were handed more to overcome.
I grew up with both of my parents. I saw a stable relationship. I did not grow up witnessing domestic violence. I saw examples of affection and commitment.
And still, I have struggled with assertiveness, communication, decision-making, and choosing healthy relationships.
So I cannot imagine the work required for someone who had to dig themselves out of chaos, addiction, emotional neglect, abuse, or a false picture of what “healthy” even means.
Some people are learning the skill while trying to teach the skill.
Learning patience while trying to model patience.
Learning emotional expression while trying to help a child name feelings.
Learning healthy discipline while trying not to repeat harshness.
Learning boundaries while family members accuse them of acting different.
That is a lot.
But new does not always feel welcome.
Even new and better can feel threatening to people who are used to dysfunction.
When you start changing, some people may say:
“You think you’re better now?”
“All of a sudden, you want to act different?”
“Oh, now you don’t want to be around us?”
“You weren’t raised like that.”
“You’re being soft.”
“You’re doing too much.”
Let them talk.
Dig in anyway.
New behaviors and new ideas may not be welcome, but they may be necessary.
You are not trying to fix everybody.
You are trying to become a healthier parent.
That alone is enough work.
The Goal Is Not to Become Perfect
The goal is not to never get angry.
The goal is not to never feel triggered.
The goal is not to erase the past.
The goal is not to be the parent who always knows exactly what to say.
The goal is to notice.
Pause.
Repair.
Practice.
Try again.
Purposeful Parenting is not about pretending the parent has no wounds. It is about refusing to let those wounds lead the household.
Children need parents who are willing to grow.
They need parents who can say:
“I handled that wrong.”
“I should not have yelled.”
“Let me try that again.”
“That was not your fault.”
“I am working on how I respond.”
“I love you, even when I correct you.”
That kind of repair matters.
Go Back to the Basics
When life feels overwhelming, go back to the basics.
Do not overcomplicate it.
Start with the basics from Purposeful Parenting.
1. Ground Rules
Children need clear expectations.
State the obvious anyway.
“No running in the house. Please walk.”
“Use respectful words.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
“Chores before screen time.”
Common sense still needs teaching.
2. Clear, Calm Instructions
Say what needs to happen.
Keep it brief.
Use a steady voice.
Do not lecture, insult, shame, or argue.
Try:
“Put your shoes by the door.”
“Turn off the tablet.”
“Use a respectful voice.”
“Try again.”
3. Consequences
Consequences teach that choices have outcomes.
They should be clear, reasonable, and connected when possible.
If a toy is thrown, the toy can be removed.
If a mess is made, the child helps clean it.
If a privilege is misused, the privilege is limited.
Discipline should teach, not just punish.
4. Praise
This one may feel strange if you were raised without much praise.
Praise the behavior you want to see more of.
Say:
“You followed directions the first time.”
“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”
“You told the truth even though it was hard.”
“You helped without being asked.”
Children need to know what they are doing well.
5. Connection
Spend real time with your child.
Not perfect time.
Not expensive time.
Real time.
Ask what they like.
Ask what feels hard.
Ask what made them laugh.
Ask what they are thinking about.
Be curious.
This is a whole human being in front of you.
How Do We Not Break Our Kids?
We show up.
We do our best.
We get support.
We reflect.
We repair.
We learn new skills.
We stop pretending that surviving childhood automatically prepared us for healthy parenting.
We stop using culture, tradition, pain, or pride as excuses for harm.
We stop trying to prove we are in charge and start asking what our children need to learn.
We stop serving old coffee.
We reset.
Again and again.
Smith and colleagues (2014), building on Gerald Patterson’s coercion theory, describe how repeated coercive parent-child interactions can amplify children’s noncompliance and contribute to later behavior concerns. In plain language, when parents and children repeatedly escalate, argue, threaten, resist, and give in, everybody can accidentally learn that pressure works.
That is why calm leadership matters.
That is why consistency matters.
That is why connection matters.
That is why the parent’s emotional reset matters.
A Daily Reset for the Purposeful Parent
Try this daily reset:
Wash the Pot
Ask:
“What am I carrying today?”
Name it honestly.
Anger.
Grief.
Fatigue.
Fear.
Shame.
Loneliness.
Overwhelm.
Add Fresh Water
Take care of the body.
Drink water.
Eat something real.
Breathe.
Step outside.
Rest when possible.
You cannot regulate well while running on fumes.
Use New Grounds
Choose one parenting skill to practice today.
One.
Not twelve.
Maybe today’s skill is praise.
Maybe it is lowering your voice.
Maybe it is giving one clear instruction.
Maybe it is apologizing when needed.
Brew Slowly
Do not rush into every correction.
Pause before speaking.
Lower your tone.
Use fewer words.
You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.
Serve What Is Healthy
Before responding, ask:
“Will this teach what I want my child to learn?”
If the answer is no, reset.
Try again.
Final Word
If you are still reading, that is evidence.
Evidence that you care.
Evidence that you want change.
Evidence that something in you is willing to grow.
You may have come from emotional immaturity, addiction, depression, trauma, chaos, silence, or pain.
But you are not powerless.
You can learn.
You can reflect.
You can seek help.
You can practice new skills.
You can end cycles.
You can build something healthier in your home.
Not perfectly.
Purposefully.
Fill your cup so you can pour into others.
Clean the pot.
Start fresh.
Show up daily.
Be blessed.
References
Dobrić, T., & Patrić, A. (2024). The hidden face of parenting: Emotional immaturity. SCIENCE International Journal, 3(1), 145–148. https://doi.org/10.35120/sciencej0301145d
Loechner, J., Sfärlea, A., Starman, K., Oort, F., Thomsen, L. A., Schulte-Körne, G., & Platt, B. (2020). Risk of depression in the offspring of parents with depression: The role of emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting and life events. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 51, 294–309. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-019-00930-4
Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4 Pt 1), 917–932. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000169
Author’s Note: This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for grammar, clarity, structure, and flow. The ideas, voice, and professional perspective are the author’s own.
Educational Notice: This article is for general wellness and parenting education. It is not a substitute for individualized mental health, medical, legal, or crisis support.
Console the Soul 