Establishing rapport does not apply only to psychology and therapy. Rapport is important in every relationship, especially when raising children. We must first build a connection if we hope to have a positive influence.
It is difficult to deeply respect, listen to, and care about someone you do not truly know. That applies to children as well as adults.
Ask yourself:
How am I showing up for my child?
In what parts of their life am I genuinely present?
Am I present only for performances, achievements, and other visible moments? Do I show up mainly to discipline them or correct their mistakes? Is my relationship with them limited to providing necessities such as food, clothing, and shelter?
Or do I truly know my child?
What is their favorite color? Who are their friends? What do they enjoy doing? What makes them laugh? What do they worry about most?
Do you say, “I love you”? Do you spend meaningful time together? Do you hold hands, sit beside one another, talk, laugh, or simply enjoy being in the same room?
Connection Is the Foundation
We have all seen cheerleading performances, whether in person or in movies. Some of the most impressive routines include tumbling, lifts, and human pyramids.
For the pyramid to remain standing, the people at the bottom must be steady. Their balance, strength, and reliability allow everyone else to climb into position. If one person loses their footing, has a moment of weakness, or even sneezes at the wrong time, the entire pyramid can come crashing down.
The foundation of the parenting pyramid is connection.
A more traditional metaphor would be building a house on a firm foundation rather than on sand. We could also think about how every stone in a pyramid must be properly aligned so that the layers above it remain secure.
However we describe it, the lesson is the same: what we build on matters.
But how do we connect with children who are defiant, oppositional, distracted, indifferent, unwilling to follow instructions, or determined not to be bothered?
1. Stop Pushing and Start Pulling
Corrosive behaviors can cause other people to avoid us, retaliate, shut down, or act out. Constant criticism, yelling, shaming, threatening, and arguing may produce temporary compliance, but they often weaken the relationship.
Instead of trying to push a child into cooperation through force, begin pulling them closer through patience, curiosity, and consistent care.
This does not mean removing boundaries or allowing inappropriate behavior. It means correcting behavior without attacking the child’s character or damaging the relationship.
2. Remember That Effort Creates Access
Effort creates access in most relationships.
We demonstrate effort by showing up, becoming a positive contributor to someone’s life, and welcoming them into our own. The more healthy effort we invest, the more access we may gain to that person’s thoughts, emotions, fears, hopes, and deepest self.
Here is an unpopular but necessary truth: parents do not automatically gain complete emotional access to their children simply because they are their parents.
Trust must be earned and maintained.
Your child needs to trust that you are reliable. They need to trust your judgment and confidence. They need to know that you will listen without immediately criticizing them. Most importantly, they need to trust that you will continue loving them despite their mistakes, weaknesses, and flaws.
Connection takes work.
3. Connect Through Quality Time
Quality time does not have to be expensive, elaborate, or perfectly planned.
Set a date to have dinner without devices. Go to the park. Play a board game. Cook a meal together. Take a walk. Watch a favorite movie. Sit outside and talk. Participate in something your child already enjoys.
Allow them to teach you about their interests, even when those interests are not naturally exciting to you.
A child is often more willing to cooperate with an adult they share an emotional connection with than with someone who relies only on authority.
Children still need leadership, rules, and correction. However, discipline is usually more effective when it grows from a relationship built on safety and trust.
Connection is strengthened when we show up.
Connection is strengthened when we remain present.
Connection is strengthened when effort is consistently given.
Connection is strengthened when we demonstrate love through patience, kind words, encouragement, affection, and a calm, steady presence.
Be the leader and the model. Take the initiative. Show patience. Verbalize your feelings in healthy ways. Pursue connection, even when your child does not immediately respond.
Correction may address the behavior in front of you, but connection helps shape the relationship beneath it.
Be blessed. Stay hopeful. Be positive. Parent with purpose.
Some parents are not cold, selfish, or uninterested.
Some parents are barely functioning while wearing a very convincing mask.
A mask of productivity.
A mask of calm.
A mask of generosity.
A mask of “I’m fine.”
A mask of “I’ve got it.”
A mask of “Nothing bothers me.”
But underneath that mask may be depression, exhaustion, low self-worth, old trauma, poor emotional regulation, anger, sadness, grief, resentment, or a deep sense of not knowing how to do this parenting thing in a healthy way.
This article is for the parent who did not have a good model of parenting.
This is for the adult child of emotionally immature parents.
This is for the parent who grew up around substance use, alcoholism, emotional neglect, emotional abuse, criticism, chaos, silence, or inconsistency.
This is for the parent who wants to raise children differently but still feels the weight of the past showing up in the present.
Because let us be honest.
Parenting will expose what we have hidden.
When You Were Never Shown How
Some people grew up in homes where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, or treated like a burden.
Some grew up with parents who were emotionally unpredictable.
Some grew up with parents who were physically present but emotionally unavailable.
Some grew up in homes where addiction or alcoholism made everything unstable.
Some grew up learning to stay quiet, stay small, stay useful, stay out of the way, or stay responsible for everybody else’s emotions.
Then adulthood comes.
Then parenting comes.
And suddenly you are expected to give children things you may have never received consistently:
Praise.
Patience.
Affection.
Clear instructions.
Healthy correction.
Emotional safety.
Calm leadership.
A listening ear.
Repair after conflict.
That is not simple.
It is possible, but it is not simple.
Dobrić and Patrić (2024) describe emotionally immature parents as often self-focused, emotionally unavailable, limited in empathy, uncomfortable with genuine emotion, and unable to respond appropriately to their children’s emotional needs. They also describe four general types: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting parents.
The names may vary, but the experience is familiar to many people.
One parent explodes.
One parent controls.
One parent disappears.
One parent rejects.
And the child learns to survive.
But survival skills are not always parenting skills.
What the Past Can Leave Behind
Unhealed emotional damage does not always show up as obvious dysfunction.
Sometimes it looks like overworking.
Sometimes it looks like being “the strong one.”
Sometimes it looks like never asking for help.
Sometimes it looks like sarcasm.
Sometimes it looks like impatience.
Sometimes it looks like being generous to everyone while being emotionally unavailable at home.
Sometimes it looks like controlling everything because unpredictability feels unsafe.
Sometimes it looks like shutting down because emotions feel too big.
For parents, this can show up as:
trouble connecting with children
difficulty giving praise
discomfort with affection
low empathy during conflict
anger problems
sadness or emotional numbness
harsh self-talk
yelling when overwhelmed
avoiding discipline because conflict feels unsafe
being too strict because mistakes feel threatening
difficulty saying “I was wrong”
not knowing how to talk about feelings
expecting children to manage adult emotions
And here is the hard truth:
Your children cannot heal you.
They cannot make the past make sense.
They cannot make your parents apologize.
They cannot fix your loneliness.
They cannot replace what you did not receive.
They are children.
They need you to be the adult.
That does not mean you have to be perfect. It means you have to become aware.
Stress Brings the Hidden Things to the Surface
Many people function well until stress hits.
Then the old symptoms start bubbling up.
The child talks back, and suddenly you feel disrespected in a way that feels bigger than the moment.
The child cries, and you feel irritated because crying was not allowed when you were young.
The child makes a mistake, and you hear your parent’s voice coming out of your own mouth.
The child needs comfort, and you freeze because comfort was never modeled for you.
The child refuses to listen, and your body responds like you are losing control.
This is where parenting becomes more than behavior management.
It becomes self-awareness.
It becomes emotional maintenance.
It becomes cycle-breaking.
Research on children of depressed parents shows that parental depression is associated with increased risk for depression in children. Loechner and colleagues (2020) discuss several possible pathways, including emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting, and stressful life events. In their study, children of depressed parents showed more depression and general mental health symptoms, fewer adaptive emotion regulation strategies, fewer positive parenting experiences, and fewer positive life events.
That does not mean a struggling parent is doomed to harm their child.
It means the work matters.
It means our emotional health matters.
It means our daily patterns matter.
It means how we respond, repair, and seek support matters.
The Coffee Pot Reset
Let us talk coffee.
Nobody wants old coffee.
You cannot pour fresh water over the same old grounds and expect a good cup.
You might get something in the mug, but it will not have the same flavor, strength, or quality.
And if you leave old grounds sitting too long?
Yuck.
Same with emotions.
You cannot keep pouring today’s responsibilities over yesterday’s bitterness, last week’s shame, childhood wounds, unspoken resentment, and old anger and expect to serve your family something fresh.
At some point, you have to clean the pot.
You need fresh water.
You need new grounds.
You need to reset.
Now, maybe I am going too far into the coffee ministry, but stay with me.
Parents need a daily emotional reset.
Not because you are weak.
Because you are human.
Yesterday’s stress cannot be the foundation for today’s parenting.
Yesterday’s shame cannot lead today’s correction.
Yesterday’s rage cannot write today’s rules.
Yesterday’s pain cannot be allowed to raise today’s child.
So ask yourself:
Am I brewing something fresh today?
Or am I reheating old emotional sludge and calling it parenting?
Let’s Face It: You May Have More Work to Do
This is not an insult.
It is an honest acknowledgment.
Some parents have more work to do because they were handed more to overcome.
I grew up with both of my parents. I saw a stable relationship. I did not grow up witnessing domestic violence. I saw examples of affection and commitment.
And still, I have struggled with assertiveness, communication, decision-making, and choosing healthy relationships.
So I cannot imagine the work required for someone who had to dig themselves out of chaos, addiction, emotional neglect, abuse, or a false picture of what “healthy” even means.
Some people are learning the skill while trying to teach the skill.
Learning patience while trying to model patience.
Learning emotional expression while trying to help a child name feelings.
Learning healthy discipline while trying not to repeat harshness.
Learning boundaries while family members accuse them of acting different.
That is a lot.
But new does not always feel welcome.
Even new and better can feel threatening to people who are used to dysfunction.
When you start changing, some people may say:
“You think you’re better now?”
“All of a sudden, you want to act different?”
“Oh, now you don’t want to be around us?”
“You weren’t raised like that.”
“You’re being soft.”
“You’re doing too much.”
Let them talk.
Dig in anyway.
New behaviors and new ideas may not be welcome, but they may be necessary.
You are not trying to fix everybody.
You are trying to become a healthier parent.
That alone is enough work.
The Goal Is Not to Become Perfect
The goal is not to never get angry.
The goal is not to never feel triggered.
The goal is not to erase the past.
The goal is not to be the parent who always knows exactly what to say.
The goal is to notice.
Pause.
Repair.
Practice.
Try again.
Purposeful Parenting is not about pretending the parent has no wounds. It is about refusing to let those wounds lead the household.
Children need parents who are willing to grow.
They need parents who can say:
“I handled that wrong.”
“I should not have yelled.”
“Let me try that again.”
“That was not your fault.”
“I am working on how I respond.”
“I love you, even when I correct you.”
That kind of repair matters.
Go Back to the Basics
When life feels overwhelming, go back to the basics.
Do not overcomplicate it.
Start with the basics from Purposeful Parenting.
1. Ground Rules
Children need clear expectations.
State the obvious anyway.
“No running in the house. Please walk.”
“Use respectful words.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
“Chores before screen time.”
Common sense still needs teaching.
2. Clear, Calm Instructions
Say what needs to happen.
Keep it brief.
Use a steady voice.
Do not lecture, insult, shame, or argue.
Try:
“Put your shoes by the door.”
“Turn off the tablet.”
“Use a respectful voice.”
“Try again.”
3. Consequences
Consequences teach that choices have outcomes.
They should be clear, reasonable, and connected when possible.
If a toy is thrown, the toy can be removed.
If a mess is made, the child helps clean it.
If a privilege is misused, the privilege is limited.
Discipline should teach, not just punish.
4. Praise
This one may feel strange if you were raised without much praise.
Praise the behavior you want to see more of.
Say:
“You followed directions the first time.”
“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”
“You told the truth even though it was hard.”
“You helped without being asked.”
Children need to know what they are doing well.
5. Connection
Spend real time with your child.
Not perfect time.
Not expensive time.
Real time.
Ask what they like.
Ask what feels hard.
Ask what made them laugh.
Ask what they are thinking about.
Be curious.
This is a whole human being in front of you.
How Do We Not Break Our Kids?
We show up.
We do our best.
We get support.
We reflect.
We repair.
We learn new skills.
We stop pretending that surviving childhood automatically prepared us for healthy parenting.
We stop using culture, tradition, pain, or pride as excuses for harm.
We stop trying to prove we are in charge and start asking what our children need to learn.
We stop serving old coffee.
We reset.
Again and again.
Smith and colleagues (2014), building on Gerald Patterson’s coercion theory, describe how repeated coercive parent-child interactions can amplify children’s noncompliance and contribute to later behavior concerns. In plain language, when parents and children repeatedly escalate, argue, threaten, resist, and give in, everybody can accidentally learn that pressure works.
That is why calm leadership matters.
That is why consistency matters.
That is why connection matters.
That is why the parent’s emotional reset matters.
A Daily Reset for the Purposeful Parent
Try this daily reset:
Wash the Pot
Ask:
“What am I carrying today?”
Name it honestly.
Anger.
Grief.
Fatigue.
Fear.
Shame.
Loneliness.
Overwhelm.
Add Fresh Water
Take care of the body.
Drink water.
Eat something real.
Breathe.
Step outside.
Rest when possible.
You cannot regulate well while running on fumes.
Use New Grounds
Choose one parenting skill to practice today.
One.
Not twelve.
Maybe today’s skill is praise.
Maybe it is lowering your voice.
Maybe it is giving one clear instruction.
Maybe it is apologizing when needed.
Brew Slowly
Do not rush into every correction.
Pause before speaking.
Lower your tone.
Use fewer words.
You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.
Serve What Is Healthy
Before responding, ask:
“Will this teach what I want my child to learn?”
If the answer is no, reset.
Try again.
Final Word
If you are still reading, that is evidence.
Evidence that you care.
Evidence that you want change.
Evidence that something in you is willing to grow.
You may have come from emotional immaturity, addiction, depression, trauma, chaos, silence, or pain.
But you are not powerless.
You can learn.
You can reflect.
You can seek help.
You can practice new skills.
You can end cycles.
You can build something healthier in your home.
Not perfectly.
Purposefully.
Fill your cup so you can pour into others.
Clean the pot.
Start fresh.
Show up daily.
Be blessed.
References
Dobrić, T., & Patrić, A. (2024). The hidden face of parenting: Emotional immaturity. SCIENCE International Journal, 3(1), 145–148. https://doi.org/10.35120/sciencej0301145d
Loechner, J., Sfärlea, A., Starman, K., Oort, F., Thomsen, L. A., Schulte-Körne, G., & Platt, B. (2020). Risk of depression in the offspring of parents with depression: The role of emotion regulation, cognitive style, parenting and life events. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 51, 294–309. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-019-00930-4
Smith, J. D., Dishion, T. J., Shaw, D. S., Wilson, M. N., Winter, C. C., & Patterson, G. R. (2014). Coercive family process and early-onset conduct problems from age 2 to school entry. Development and Psychopathology, 26(4 Pt 1), 917–932. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579414000169
Author’s Note: This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for grammar, clarity, structure, and flow. The ideas, voice, and professional perspective are the author’s own.
Educational Notice: This article is for general wellness and parenting education. It is not a substitute for individualized mental health, medical, legal, or crisis support.
Yes, some of this may seem obvious. Yes, maybe children “should already know better.” Yes, maybe it feels ridiculous to state things that seem like common sense.
But we are going to state the obvious anyway.
Why?
Because parenting is teaching.
Children need roles. They need boundaries. They need structure. They need to know what is expected, what is not allowed, and what happens when a rule is broken.
They also need to know what they are doing well.
Above all else, be positive and give praise.
This is not just a cute parenting phrase. This is science. Behavior that gets reinforced is more likely to happen again. If you want to see more cooperation, honesty, kindness, responsibility, and self-control, then you must notice those behaviors and respond to them.
Not just the bad.
Not just the mistakes.
Not just the moments when you are irritated.
The good needs attention too.
What Is a Ground Rule?
A ground rule is a clear expectation for behavior in the home.
It tells the child what is allowed, what is not allowed, and how family members are expected to treat one another.
A good ground rule should be:
clear
simple
age-appropriate
easy to remember
stated positively when possible
connected to a consequence if broken
For example:
Instead of saying, “Stop acting wild,” say:
“No running in the house. Please walk.”
Instead of saying, “Quit being rude,” say:
“Use respectful words.”
Instead of saying, “Stop touching everything,” say:
“Keep your hands to yourself.”
The goal is to tell the child what to do, not only what not to do.
How Many Ground Rules Should You Have?
Keep it simple.
For most homes, start with about three to five ground rules.
Too many rules become noise. Children stop listening because everything feels equally important. Choose the rules that matter most for safety, respect, responsibility, and peace in the home.
Examples may include:
Use respectful words.
Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
Follow instructions the first time.
Take care of your responsibilities before play.
Respect people, property, and personal space.
You can adjust these depending on the age of the child and the needs of the household.
A toddler may need rules like:
“Gentle hands.” “Walking feet.” “Toys stay on the floor.”
A teenager may need rules like:
“Communicate where you are.” “Complete responsibilities before privileges.” “Speak respectfully, even when frustrated.”
The words may change, but the purpose remains the same.
Teach what is healthy.
Repeat the Rule Without Climbing the Ladder
When a rule is broken, restate the rule calmly.
Not with a speech.
Not with sarcasm.
Not with humiliation.
Not with a full family court hearing in the kitchen.
Just restate the rule.
“Our rule is no running in the house. Please walk.”
“Our rule is respectful words. Try again.”
“Our rule is chores before screen time. Finish your chore first.”
This teaches children to follow instructions. It also teaches them how to handle frustration and disappointment in a healthy way.
A child will not always like the rule.
That is okay.
A child may feel disappointed.
That is okay.
A child may need help learning how to be upset without becoming disrespectful, aggressive, or destructive.
That is part of the teaching.
Children Are Not Supposed to Be Perfect
Some adults have very little tolerance for mistakes.
A child spills something, and it becomes a character flaw.
A child forgets something, and suddenly they are “lazy.”
A child talks back, and now they are “bad.”
Be careful.
Do not impress upon your child that mistakes mean something is wrong with them.
Do not teach them that they must be perfect all the time to be acceptable.
Let us be for real.
That is not human.
Yes, we should teach values.
Yes, we should teach respect.
Yes, we should teach responsibility.
Yes, we should expect children to improve.
But we should also teach reality.
Human beings make mistakes. Human beings get frustrated. Human beings struggle with selfishness, laziness, anger, jealousy, fear, and impatience. Children are not born knowing how to manage all of that.
They have to be taught.
The goal is not to raise a child who never struggles.
The goal is to model positive behavior, positive thinking, responsibility, repair, and perseverance despite disappointments.
Consequences Matter
Consequences are a whole rabbit hole, but let us start at the surface.
There must be consequences for misbehavior.
A home without consequences teaches children that rules are optional.
However, consequences should be appropriate for the child, the behavior, the situation, and the values of the home.
A consequence should not simply be an emotional reaction from the parent.
It should teach something.
It should connect to responsibility.
It should help the child understand that choices have outcomes.
Examples:
If a child throws a toy, the toy is removed for a period of time.
If a child makes a mess on purpose, the child helps clean it.
If a child misuses screen time, screen time is limited.
If a child hurts someone, they must stop, calm down, and repair what they can.
If a child refuses a responsibility, a privilege may wait until the responsibility is completed.
Consequences should be clear, calm, and consistent.
Not random.
Not excessive.
Not based on how angry the parent feels in the moment.
Old School Parenting: The Good and the Problematic
I was raised in the South and around a very old-school parenting mindset.
There are some good things in old-school parenting.
Firmness can be good.
Structure can be good.
Respect can be good.
Consistent follow-through can be good.
Children do need to understand that adults are not their peers. They do need to follow reasonable instructions. They do need to learn that there is a time and place for certain conversations.
But there are also problems.
You cannot whip, spank, or beat a child for every single thing that goes wrong.
Every mistake does not need the harshest response.
Every behavior does not require physical discipline.
Before using physical discipline, a parent should ask some serious questions:
Am I doing this because it is truly needed, or because I want to release my anger?
Has this actually been effective with consistent results?
Has this created a barrier between me and my child in the area of trust and safety?
Am I prone to high emotions, rage, or losing control?
Am I teaching responsibility, or am I simply making my child afraid of me?
That is an honest conversation every parent needs to have with themselves.
Discipline should not be about revenge.
It should not be about embarrassment.
It should not be about proving power.
It should be about teaching.
Rewards Are Not Bribes
Some people hear the word “reward” and immediately reject it.
They say:
“I’m not thanking a child for doing what they were supposed to do.”
I understand that mindset.
Many of us were raised hearing:
“Do as you’re told.” “Nobody asked what you think.” “Stay out of grown folks’ conversation.” “You don’t get praised for responsibility.”
And yes, children should learn responsibility.
But praise is not the enemy of responsibility.
Praise helps children know what they are doing well.
Praise reinforces the behavior you want to see more of.
Praise builds connection.
Praise helps a child internalize, “I am capable of doing good. I can make wise choices. My effort matters.”
A reward does not always have to be candy, money, toys, or screen time.
Sometimes the reward is:
attention
praise
a smile
a hug
extra time together
choosing dinner
picking the family movie
staying up 15 minutes later
a small privilege
hearing, “I noticed that, and I’m proud of you.”
That matters.
Give Specific Praise
Do not only say, “Good job.”
Be specific.
Try:
“I noticed you helped your brother without being asked.”
“You were upset, but you kept your hands to yourself.”
“You followed directions the first time.”
“You told the truth even though it was hard.”
“You accepted no without continuing to argue.”
“You cleaned that up responsibly.”
Specific praise tells the child exactly what behavior to repeat.
It also teaches them that good behavior gets noticed too.
If the only time a child receives attention is when they are misbehaving, do not be surprised when misbehavior becomes loud.
Notice the good.
Reinforce the good.
Praise the good.
Spend Real Time With Your Child
Connection is also part of discipline.
Spend at least 15 consecutive minutes with your child when you can.
Not half-listening while scrolling.
Not asking questions while rushing.
Not giving instructions from another room.
Real attention.
Ask them:
What are you into right now?
What was good about your day?
What was hard today?
What feels fun to you?
What has been bothering you?
What do you wish adults understood better?
Be genuine.
Be curious.
This is a whole human being.
Your child has thoughts, feelings, interests, opinions, fears, and ideas. Just like you have your own personality, they have theirs.
In the early years, many children want to know you. They want to share with you. They want your attention and approval.
Use that time wisely.
Build the relationship before you need to correct the behavior.
Watch What Your Words Teach
Adults often remember criticism.
We remember the comments people made about our work, our body, our intelligence, our attitude, our mistakes, or our personality.
Children remember too.
They can internalize the negative things parents say about them.
So be mindful.
Correct behavior, but do not attack identity.
Say:
“That choice was not okay.”
Not:
“You are bad.”
Say:
“You need to redo this.”
Not:
“You never do anything right.”
Say:
“Use respectful words.”
Not:
“You are so disrespectful.”
There is a difference.
Correction should guide the child, not crush them.
King Solomon once said, “There is nothing new under the sun.”
That certainly applies to parenting.
Family conflict, child compliance, power struggles, and finding balance in the home are not new problems. In fact, behavioral psychologist Gerald Patterson spent years researching what he called the coercive cycle in parenting.
Today, I would like to talk about a common experience many parents know all too well.
A child asks.
Then asks again.
Then asks again.
Then nags.
Then complains.
Then begs.
Then gets louder.
Eventually, the parent becomes exhausted and gives in.
Up and up and up the ladder they climb until somebody folds.
But children are not the only ones guilty of climbing the ladder.
Parents do it too.
Parents repeat themselves over and over. They nag. They complain. They raise their voices. They threaten consequences they may or may not enforce. Eventually, the child complies—not because they have learned responsibility, but because the pressure became too uncomfortable.
Of course, it is often wrapped in a nice parenting package with a bow on top:
“I’m going to count to three.”
“Well, you didn’t listen when I asked nicely, so now I have to yell.”
“How many times do I have to tell you?”
Today, we’re talking about The Escalation Ladder.
And for the sake of all mankind…
Please get off the ladder.
This article is for the parent reading it—the leader of the household. The person responsible for setting the tone. The person modeling the behavior they want to see.
So yes, I’m talking to you.
We’re going to do something that may feel unnatural.
We’re going to combine a little research with a little Scripture.
As Proverbs reminds us:
“A soft answer turns away wrath.”
1. Give Clear and Calm Instructions
Clear and calm instructions are easier to hear and easier to understand.
If necessary, repeat yourself once.
Be patient and communicate exactly what needs to happen.
Instead of:
“Don’t be silly.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“What would your friends think if they saw this?”
Try giving direct instructions that tell the child what to do.
Also, do not overload them with directions.
Let’s be honest. We live in a generation with shortened attention spans.
This:
“Go brush your teeth and wash your face.”
Is much easier to follow than:
“Brush your teeth, wash your face, get dressed, pack your backpack, hurry up, find your shoes, and get in the car because we’re late.”
Tone matters.
A tone of sarcasm, disappointment, irritation, or contempt can turn even polite words into verbal hot sauce.
If you’re struggling with emotional control, I have a simple suggestion:
Use the robot voice.
Seriously.
Slow down.
Lower your volume.
Speak plainly.
Remove the emotional seasoning.
2. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So You Stay in Control
Many of us struggle in the patience department.
Maybe our parents did not model patience for us.
Maybe they did not give us compassion, understanding, or a listening ear.
Now here we are, trying to figure out the balance between raising respectful children and maintaining peace in our homes.
We’re all learning.
But there are some things that should be non-negotiable:
No yelling
No belittling
No sarcasm
No humiliation
No talking down to children
If you’ve already given the instruction, you do not need approval.
You do not need agreement.
You do not need to make your point one more time.
Your role is to communicate clearly—not to win a debate.
The more emotionally regulated you are, the more effective you become.
3. Give Clear and Calm Instructions So Expectations Are Established
Children need to know what is expected.
Every home needs ground rules.
I often hear parents say:
“That should be common sense.”
Maybe.
But if it were common sense, they probably would not be arguing, swearing, hitting, or ignoring instructions.
Ground rules create clarity.
They establish what is okay and what is not okay.
Keep them simple.
Focus on the behaviors you want to reinforce.
Examples:
Keep your hands to yourself.
Use kind words.
Follow instructions.
Finish your chores.
Work first, play later.
Tell the truth.
Respect people and property.
Personalize them to fit your family.
Most importantly, follow them yourself.
Children learn far more from what we model than what we lecture.
Ground rules also provide a foundation for consequences.
For example:
“You chose not to follow the ground rule about finishing chores before screen time. As a result, there will be no screen time this afternoon.”
Notice the difference.
No yelling.
No speeches.
No escalation.
Just a clear expectation followed by a clear consequence.
That’s a completely different rabbit hole for another article, but it is worth considering:
Are there clear consequences in your home?
Are they connected to the behavior?
Do you consistently follow through?
Those questions matter.
Final Thoughts
The next time you find yourself climbing the escalation ladder, pause.
Take a breath.
Lower your voice.
Give the instruction.
Repeat it once if necessary.
Then stop climbing.
Remember:
Clear.
Calm.
Consistent.
Children need leaders more than they need lecturers.
And sometimes the most powerful thing a parent can do is say less.
Take care.
**Author’s Note:** This article was written by JB Simon and edited with AI-assisted support for clarity and structure.
Now that I have been providing parenting education, I have become much more aware of the parents around me—the strategies being used successfully… and the ones that are not quite so successful.
Recently, I observed a mother and daughter arguing in a store.
The mother was trying to make the point that if her daughter wanted extra purchases, she should contribute more around the house and offer help. She emphasized that this would be the last thing she was getting.
Meanwhile, the daughter argued her side. She listed reasons she needed the items. She begged. She negotiated. She pressed.
As they moved closer to the register, Mom suddenly changed her mind.
“You know what? You actually don’t need any of this.”
Things escalated quickly.
What stood out to me most was not necessarily the words being exchanged—but the dynamic itself. They were both standing there, locked into the argument. Mom was not returning the items. The daughter continued pressing her case. Mom continued proving why she did not need them.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
On another occasion, I heard a mother describe how her son constantly argues back—even when she is obviously correct. She said she did not understand why he continued arguing when he was clearly wrong, and then, once he realized he was wrong, he would simply shrug.
Parents, I am going to give you some simple facts you may not like—but may need to hear.
Fact #1: They Are the Child. You Are the Parent. Play Your Role.
Stop arguing.
Stop doubting.
Stop engaging.
Period.
No explanation is needed, so stop going on and on trying to prove a point that no one is hearing.
Your role as a parent is to lead. To be emotionally regulated. To model what patience, calmness, and healthy communication look like.
Take a moment to observe yourself. Reflect. If you catch yourself getting pulled into the cycle, use that moment as a teaching opportunity to de-escalate.
No need for a speech.
No means no.
Stop trying to prove a point. Stop trying to make them understand your feelings by making them feel how you feel.
When we say the goal is to “teach a lesson,” it should not be in a vindictive way. The goal is to teach a life lesson.
Sometimes leadership sounds like:
“I’ve said what I’ve said.” “The conversation is over.” “We will come back to this later.” “That is the rule.”
Make the statement. Stop responding.
Fact #2: We Must Model the Behavior We Want to See.
This may not be popular, but we must model the values we teach.
The biblical principles we stand on.
The emotional regulation we claim is healthy.
The communication skills we expect from our children.
That means:
No shaming No humiliating No name-calling No proving points No putting children down
Be mindful of the shame trap.
This may not apply to everyone, but for some parents, the cycle looks like this:
You become angry.
You lose your temper.
You regret what you said or did.
Now you feel ashamed, disappointed, unstable, or frustrated with yourself.
Those overwhelming emotions become difficult to manage—so they spill outward.
You become even more reactive.
Shame is powerful. When feelings of inadequacy, regret, or self-criticism take over, self-control becomes harder to access.
This is why emotional regulation matters.
You cannot teach calmness while living in chaos.
You cannot teach respectful communication while modeling escalation.
We must emulate the behaviors we want our children to learn.
So… Why Do They “Keep Talking Back”?
One of the most common complaints I hear from parents is:
“They just won’t stop talking.” “They always have to answer back.”
My question is this:
Why do you need the last word?
Why does having the final statement signal who is more powerful? Who “won” the argument?
Be careful about your definition of winning—and whether winning is even relevant to healthy communication.
The Bible tells us:
A soft answer turns away wrath.
Your role is not to out-argue your child.
Your role is to de-escalate.
To make a clear statement and stop digging.
To be stable in your emotions.
Swift with consequences.
Consistent in your responses.
Calm in your leadership.
Declare that the conversation is over—or table it for another time.
Some helpful phrases might sound like:
“Okay, we’ll revisit this later.” “I understand you’re upset.” “I’ve already answered.” “That is the expectation.” “We’re done discussing this.”
You know your child. You know your home. Choose what is effective.
Sources & Credits: Content adapted from: Latham, R. M., Mark, K. M., & Oliver, B. R. (2017). A harsh parenting team? Maternal reports of coparenting and coercive parenting interact in association with children’s disruptive behaviour. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 58(5), 603–611.
Sanders, M. R. (2003). Triple P–Positive Parenting Program: A population approach to promoting competent parenting. Australian e-Journal for the Advancement of Mental Health, 2(3), 127–143.
Infographic content developed and simplified for psychoeducational purposes by JB Simon. Visual design concepts, layout assistance, and grammar editing supported by ChatGPT by OpenAI.
Gentle parenting has become an unpopular term to some, often viewed as too soft or permissive. But I believe we may have misunderstood the heart behind it. It is possible to be both gentle and firm. Children need love, affection, patience, and emotional safety—but they also need structure, authority, accountability, and consistency.
Many parents lean heavily on spankings and punishment while lacking consistency, communication, and connection. Others avoid discipline altogether in an effort to keep the peace. Neither extreme is healthy. Parenting should be intentional, calm, loving, and rooted in purpose.
That is why I like the term Purposeful Parenting—doing things with intention, love, wisdom, and consistency. Parenting should not be reactive or ego-driven. It should benefit the child and help prepare them for life.
Here are four things every parent should be mindful of.
1. Reactivity
Reactivity happens when we respond emotionally instead of intentionally. This often comes in the form of yelling, harsh punishment, threatening, or speaking from anger. Children will make mistakes, test limits, forget instructions, and express emotions immaturely. As parents, we must remain in control of ourselves.
A parent should be calm enough to make wise decisions that are not rooted in anger, embarrassment, or pride, but in what truly benefits the child.
A firm, quiet voice is often more effective than chaos and intimidation. Parenting should not become a power struggle or an emotional battle. The goal is to make expectations known, not to “win” an argument or force validation from the child.
Children need correction, but they also need emotional safety. A child should fear consequences, not fear their parent.
2. Addressing Our Own Childhood Wounds
One of the most important things a parent can do is reflect on their own upbringing.
Maybe you were told children should “stay in a child’s place.” Maybe emotional expression was ignored or punished. Maybe you were disciplined harshly, made to feel unheard, or taught that children should simply obey without question.
Without reflection, we often repeat what we experienced—whether it was healthy or not.
We must ask ourselves:
Are my expectations realistic?
Is this healthy?
Why does this behavior trigger me?
Do I feel personally disrespected when a child expresses emotion or frustration?
Am I expecting emotional maturity from a child that even adults struggle to maintain?
Some parents were taught that children should not feel tired, angry, bored, frustrated, or overwhelmed. But children are human beings, not robots. Their emotions may need guidance and boundaries, but they still deserve acknowledgment.
Purposeful Parenting encourages reflection, self-awareness, and growth. We cannot lead children well if we never examine ourselves.
3. Laxness
Laxness is a major issue in parenting today.
If rules constantly change, are rarely enforced, or have no meaningful consequences attached to them, children eventually stop taking them seriously. Boundaries without follow-through become suggestions.
At times, it is easier to let things slide in order to avoid conflict or keep the peace. Let us be honest—parenting can be exhausting. Burnout is real. However, long-term inconsistency creates confusion and insecurity for children.
While grace and flexibility are important, children still need:
structure
boundaries
safety
accountability
routine
Even during difficult seasons, parents must maintain the bare minimum standards that provide stability and security in the home.
Purposeful Parenting teaches that consequences should be calm, consistent, and connected to the behavior—not random, excessive, or emotionally charged.
4. Consistency
Consistency is probably the hardest part of parenting.
Regardless of stress, personal struggles, exhaustion, or the behavior of others, children still need parents who remain steady. They need adults who model emotional regulation, healthy communication, and self-control.
Consistency builds trust. Children learn what to expect, what is acceptable, and that boundaries actually matter.
This does not mean perfection. Parents will make mistakes. But healthy parenting involves repair, accountability, and continued effort.
A healthy relationship with your child is built through:
quality time
affection
listening
calm communication
clear expectations
consistent follow-through
Children need parents who are emotionally safe while still being the authority in the home.
Purposeful Parenting is not permissive parenting. It is not harsh parenting either. It is intentional parenting—firm in standards, gentle in approach, rooted in love, faith, wisdom, and purpose.
Perhaps we do not need to abandon gentleness. Perhaps we simply need to pair it with structure, consistency, and accountability.
Citation Note:
Primary authorship and concepts by JB Simon. AI tools were used solely for editorial assistance, grammar correction, and content organization.
Console the Soul 