Before we talk about parenting skills, consequences, rewards, routines, or behavior charts, sometimes we need to look at what we are already doing when things go wrong.
I often meet with parents and have them complete the Parenting Scale. The Parenting Scale is a 30-item self-report questionnaire developed to measure dysfunctional discipline practices in parenting situations. Three patterns are especially useful to reflect on: laxness, overreactivity, and verbosity (Arnold et al., 1993).
Today, the goal is not to label you as a “good” or “bad” parent. It is to notice patterns.
As we go through these three areas, think about two things: your recent parenting behavior and what discipline looked like in the home where you grew up.
You cannot intentionally change what you have never stopped long enough to see.
1. Laxness: When the Rules Are There, but Nobody Believes Them
Laxness refers to permissive or inconsistent discipline—giving in, failing to enforce rules, or not following through after a consequence has been stated (Arnold et al., 1993).
The rules may be there, but everybody knows they are mostly for show.
“Turn the game off.”
“Clean your room.”
“If you hit your brother again, you’re losing the tablet.”
Then nothing happens.
Maybe there are five warnings. Maybe the consequence changes. Maybe the parent forgets, feels guilty, gets tired, gives in, or decides the fight is not worth it.
There can be many reasons for inconsistent follow-through. It may be a single parent carrying too much. It may be two exhausted parents. Work schedules, stress, depression, anxiety, conflict between caregivers, or lack of support can all affect how consistently a parent responds. Triple P research has also recognized that parenting difficulties can occur alongside parental stress, depression, coping difficulties, partner conflict, and broader family dysfunction (Cann et al., 2003).
Understanding the reason can give us compassion. But the pattern still matters.
When expectations are inconsistent, children may become unsure about which rules really matter, when a parent means what they say, or whether the response will depend on the adult’s mood, energy, or circumstances.
In some homes, very little correction happens until the situation has already become a crisis. A child may experience that as confusing or may feel that adults are not paying attention until everything falls apart.
Reflection: Do my children know what happens after I say no—or do they have to wait and see what mood, energy level, or circumstance decides?
2. Overreactivity: When the Response Becomes Bigger Than the Moment
Speaking of crisis, let’s talk about overreactivity.
Overreactivity refers to discipline that becomes emotionally intense—anger, irritability, yelling, harshness, or responses that are bigger than the situation calls for (Arnold et al., 1993).
There may be yelling. Screaming. Threatening. Blaming. A harsh tone. Saying things you would not normally say.
The question is not always whether correction was warranted. The question is whether the size of the response matched the size of the situation.
Maybe you grew up with a mother or father who yelled about everything. Maybe you learned that mistakes meant somebody was about to explode. Or maybe that was not your childhood at all—but right now you are exhausted, overstimulated, worried about money, burned out, or carrying problems your child knows nothing about.
The source of the reaction can matter. Understanding it can help us develop insight and compassion. But understanding where a behavior came from does not mean we have to keep repeating it.
Reflection: When my child makes a mistake, am I correcting the behavior—or releasing everything I have been carrying all day?
3. Verbosity: When Discipline Becomes a TED Talk
Last—but definitely not least—is my personal favorite: verbosity.
In the Parenting Scale, verbosity refers to overly long verbal responses during discipline—lengthy reprimands, arguing, scolding, or relying on talking instead of taking clear action (Arnold et al., 1993).
This is the lecture. The nagging. The repeated explanation. The “and another thing…” The five-minute speech that somehow becomes a fifteen-minute review of everything the child has done since Tuesday.
Brief is best.
The purpose of discipline is not for the adult to finally feel heard, get everything out, or give someone “a piece of your mind.” The goal is healthy communication and helping the child understand the expectation and complete the task at hand.
Parent-Child Interaction Therapy, or PCIT, provides a useful contrast. In its parent-directed phase, caregivers are coached to give effective commands and follow through consistently rather than relying on excessive verbal interaction. In one small intensive-PCIT study, parents improved in laxness, overreactivity, and verbosity, and the authors described parents as making consequences more concrete rather than overly explaining while remaining calmer during discipline (Graziano et al., 2015).
Being concise may be especially helpful for children who already struggle with attention, processing, emotional regulation, or frustration tolerance. In a study of parents of children with ADHD, a Triple P intervention was associated with significant reductions in laxness, overreactivity, and verbosity (Moharreri et al., 2008).
More words do not automatically create more understanding.
Reflection: Am I giving my child an instruction—or delivering a speech because I need them to understand how frustrated I am?
What Happens When These Patterns Mix?
The Parenting Scale measures these dimensions separately. It does not officially assign parents personality “types” based on combinations. But looking at how the patterns interact can still be useful for reflection.
High laxness + high overreactivity + high verbosity
This can look like:
- Low follow-through.
- Big emotional reactions.
- Lots of talking.
A parent may tolerate behavior repeatedly, issue warnings without action, explain and argue, then eventually explode when the situation becomes unbearable.
Ask → warn → explain → repeat → give in → get frustrated → explode → feel guilty → reset → repeat.
There is not much guidance happening until something falls apart.
By contrast, lower laxness, lower overreactivity, and lower verbosity may look less dramatic: a parent states the expectation, responds calmly, and follows through without turning the moment into a lengthy argument.
That is the goal I want parents to think about:
Clear. Calm. Consistent.
Why This Matters: Parenting Patterns Can Change
Parenting behavior is behavior. Behavior can be observed, practiced, coached, and changed.
In an Australian evaluation involving 589 mothers who completed Triple P programs, researchers reported improvements in child behavior, parenting style, parental competence, depression, anxiety, stress, and couple conflict. Parenting Scale scores for laxness, overreactivity, and verbosity also decreased after the intervention (Cann et al., 2003).
Among mothers who had initially scored in the clinical range, the study reported that 70% for laxness, 67% for overreactivity, and 91% for verbosity were no longer in the clinical range after intervention (Cann et al., 2003).
Those findings are encouraging, but they should be interpreted carefully. The project was not an experimental trial, and the authors noted that the changes could not be confidently attributed entirely to the program.
A separate intensive-PCIT open trial involved 11 families and reported improvements in parenting skills, parenting stress, laxness, overreactivity, and verbosity that were still evident at four-month follow-up. Because the study was small and did not include a control group, its authors also urged caution when interpreting the results (Graziano et al., 2015).
The takeaway is not that one program magically fixes parenting.
The takeaway is that parenting patterns are not permanent.
Know Your Pattern Before You Try to Fix Your Child
Sometimes we walk into treatment asking:
“How do I make my child listen?”
A useful second question is:
“What happens to me when my child doesn’t listen?”
- Do I give in?
- Do I explode?
- Do I talk for ten minutes?
- Do I threaten consequences I will never enforce?
- Do I keep repeating myself?
- Do I wait until I am furious before I finally act?
Your child’s behavior matters. But so does the pattern happening between the two of you.
A Parenting Scale Score Is Not a Parenting Grade
If you complete the Parenting Scale and recognize yourself in one—or all three—of these areas, this is not your certificate declaring that you are a bad parent.
It is information.
Information gives us somewhere to start.
The Parenting Scale is a self-report measure, so honest reflection matters. If your family is already working with a clinician or parenting provider, you can ask whether discussing your own discipline patterns would be useful.
If you are seeing someone trained in PCIT, CPP, Triple P, behavioral parent training, or another evidence-informed parenting approach, it may be worth asking how your own responses fit into the work you are doing with your child.
And if you are simply curious?
Read. Reflect. Notice what happens this week.
Do not try to change fifteen things tomorrow.
Choose one.
Give Yourself Grace—Then Keep Growing
Think about your parenting style.
Think about your childhood.
Think about what happens in your home when everybody is tired, irritated, late, overwhelmed, or disappointed—because those moments often reveal our patterns better than the easy days do.
Maybe you need stronger follow-through.
Maybe you need to lower the emotional temperature.
Maybe you simply need to stop talking so much.
None of those realizations means you are a bad parent.
They mean you noticed something.
And noticing gives you an opportunity to do something different.
Give yourself grace. Keep growing personally. Keep growing as a parent.
That’s all for today.
Be blessed.
— JB Simon
Console the Soul | Purposeful Parenting
References
Arnold, D. S., O’Leary, S. G., Wolff, L. S., & Acker, M. M. (1993). The Parenting Scale: A measure of dysfunctional parenting in discipline situations. Psychological Assessment, 5, 137–144.
Cann, W., Rogers, H., & Matthews, J. (2003). Family Intervention Services program evaluation: A brief report on initial outcomes for families. Australian e-Journal for the Advancement of Mental Health, 2(3).
Graziano, P. A., Bagner, D. M., Slavec, J., Hungerford, G., Kent, K., Babinski, D., Derefinko, K., & Pasalich, D. (2015). Feasibility of intensive parent-child interaction therapy (I-PCIT): Results from an open trial. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 37(1), 38–49. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10862-014-9435-0
Moharreri, F., Shahrivar, Z., Tehrani-Doost, M., & Mahmoudi-Gharaei, J. (2008). Efficacy of the Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) for parents of children with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry, 3, 59–63.
